Uncensored October 25, 2008

I am entirely too concerned with what other people think. Especially the people I care most about. I’m getting better at putting my thoughts out there and speaking my mind. But I always hold back, and yes it is strategic to think before one speaks but I find myself attempting to be agreeable. Not saying all of what I’m thinking or classifying and quantifying my statements. I really become what other people assume me to be at face value.

 

I became exactly what I hate most at dinner the other night. In one-on-one conversation I can redeem my reputation as an intellectual, opinionated woman. However, when in front of a group, I laugh and smile. At one point I think I flipped my hair. I embodied that stereotypical girl-woman who is there for decoration not conversation. Yes, I was the youngest member of this group. The other guests were all absolutely intimidating leaders in business, but instead of having the confidence to be myself and speak my mind I hid behind that ingénue façade and acted the part. Rather than being able to relate a story slowly, I rushed through it, didn’t even bother with comedic timing and did whatever it took to get the spotlight off of me. Instead of people seeing me for who I am or what I wish to be they saw me as a little girl.

 

I want a job, I want to be taken seriously and I am sabotaging myself. I had a prime opportunity to demonstrate how mature and competent I am and instead I threw it out the window. I became the flirt that commands no respect but grovels for attention. As if asking if the group would ignore how I had presented myself all evening. I had on a blazer, a turtleneck, and earrings that matched my necklace. Please keep in mind, I don’t accessorize well. I did everything I could to appear together and adult. Yet, the conversation turns to me and I am terrified. If I don’t freeze up and just hear my heart thudding in my ears, I say something stupid or make light in order to avoid saying something that garnishes displeasure. I am desperate for acceptance and approval.

 

Certainly there are times what behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate. This was an occasion in which I became exactly what I abhor, the stereotypical dolt. I’m sure if there was a tape of me talking I would judge it mercilessly. And maybe that’s my problem, I feel inadequate because I judge myself harshly. No one else has to say something to bring me down because I already feel as if I don’t belong, like a fool, and as if I need the consent of other people to quantify my personal worth. When I dress to go out I don’t wear what makes me comfortable. I wear what I think makes me fit in. Constantly driven to pass for whatever is most attractive to the people I am with or the place we are going. Probably the most devastating realization is that I don’t know myself.

 

I can’t be satisfied if I am not extraordinary and honestly I don’t feel as if I am. I feel rather mediocre and perhaps what is most stunning is that I am constantly comparing myself to others. Worried that I won’t meet some imaginary standard I have created. If something doesn’t work out, I assume it’s because of a personal failing. If I don’t have the job I want, I consider that other people know more about my ineptitude and therefore my position is completely justified. I am a door mat. And worse than that I do it to myself, no one polices me. No one has ever confronted me and said something derogatory or cruel. I have never been in a situation where someone else made me feel like an outsider. I have always been in the in crowd, yet making myself feel as if it were going to crumble. As if any second they would find out I’m not supposed to be here and kick me out. Take their friendship, camaraderie and leave. I have spent my whole life doing that to other people first. Judging and ganging up because they’re on the outside. Yet if people are not receptive to me, I take myself out of the situation before it can harm me. Or open me up for insult. It is a terrible way to live one’s life, constantly questioning their self worth.

 

Of course, to counteract this self pity cycle I make rash decisions to do whatever it is that scares me most. I will take that leap and put myself out there but only after I have found some loophole and some reason why I can get out at any time. I decide I don’t like a person, a group, or a lifestyle choice and therefore can justify removing myself from the situation. If we met, you would never think I am any of these things. I would be exactly the way you wanted me to be. And I am not ok with that.

Something wayward this way comes September 23, 2008

New beginnings are like new shoes. Some you wear once and leave in the closet, some you break in and wear season after season. I’d like this beginning to be like the perfect brown leather Steve Madden boots I should have just re-soled and never thrown out. I will regret that choice forever. But while the shoes are gone; the memory of nights out, dates, and days where “the walk” gave me the confidence to do whatever I wanted will be cherished forever. I have moved to a new place, I am starting at a new school, I have ended things with Jack for what feels like the final time and I am finding my emotional, spiritual self has changed, as has my physical self. Self discovery has been a powerful journey as has the fight for self acceptance.

 

I made myself a jewelry box more out of cheapness than the desire to be creative, however the message is the same. Inside the lid is the quote, “Self-respect is a question of recognizing anything worth having has a price” by Joan Dideon. Now it is somewhat tongue in cheek to put those words inside a jewelry box. It is also a statement that I am coming to appreciate and growing to understand. The Dali Lama once said that “great love and great accomplishment involve great risk” and I believe he was right. I know he’s sighing in relief because it was my approval he was waiting on to clinch his role as a wise and auspicious world leader. Perhaps now that he’s at ease I can invite Mr. Lama to dinner and we can discuss self-appreciation in depth. I’ll text him later, but the point I’m trying to make here is that valuing what we have and what we have earned by what we have had to give up in order to attain it is a valuable lesson. It’s somewhat basic to judge our personal decisions on their costs as we do shoes, pants and socks but it really makes sense. If I judge what I have gained in life by the sacrifices that I and others have made, then I can truly appreciate the value. It isn’t simply the rule of more is more, less may be more, and none may be more than that. It’s the understanding that sacrifice makes us stronger. The difficult lessons are the ones we remember the most. And the events in life where we are most terrified are often the very same challenges that develop character and make us who we are tomorrow.

 

My mother once said to me that in trying to define my goals and myself that I was, “confusing what I truly want with what I think I should have.” There really is a difference in what makes us happy and what we imagine might make us happier. The grass being greener and whatnot makes sense, but unless we earn what we gain, it does not maintain its value. A free ride or free money, a free lunch as the economists would say, does not exist. What we have in life is based on what we put into it. Surely there are events and situations we regret or wish had never happened, but truth be told there’s a reason. There’s always a reason, even if it’s one too many Tequila Sunrises, it makes us stronger. I am making mistakes all over town lately, fortunately for the continuation of my employment and my education those shambled nights are relegated to my personal life.

 

The glory of those defining, ridiculous and absolutely out of line conversations is that you don’t know if you can get away with something until you try. Terribly juvenile I admit, but I wouldn’t know that I could do so much if I didn’t press the envelope (to use another horrible cliché). By taking things that step too far you’ll find that the sidewalk doesn’t end, you can jump off the side of the building and you don’t plummet to your death. You just find that there is one more step that you had no idea was there. Sure you gave up being able to go back down the other side, but you took a step forward. Even if that step is in stilettos, black pumas or one truly excellent pair of brown leather boots, you’re moving forward. Maybe with a little more confidence, you make your next move. It’s ok to give up what you thought you wanted, it was imaginary. What’s important is that you have what you truly want and you know who you truly are to yourself. Being blind to the judgments of the rest of the world is difficult. Knowing that you’ve made the right choice to start again somewhere new is invaluable.