The Glories of Love January 12, 2009

It is as if I have finally found a refreshing drink after years of searching waterless beaches. I have sought a dream in my nights and in my waking. Searching for a man that could be all I was and more than that, all that I would be someday. Things such as power and greatness are illusive and artificial. Love is a solid substance, palpable and delicious. A musky emotion you can absorb or be buried by first. It is dangerous because of its unknown depths and strength over our wills.

When we do not have love or live with loving ferocity we strive for goals that seem as satisfying but are weaker and less fulfilling. The desire for recognition and power is empty. It is a temporary escape from our true acknowledgement of self. We want others to only know our victories and our strengths. In this way we release our selfish desire to see only the good in ourselves. As we strive to project that image into the minds of others, we loose sight of who we really are. We lie to ourselves and each other, loosing grasp of our personal realities.

We walk out of Eden for a shot a lies and the temporary glories we imagine will make us gods. As we walk towards the fake light and the false intimacy, we forget the garden. The gate locks behind us but we do not hear the click as we seek to define ourselves by our presumed narcissistic glory. The sound of applause overwhelms and blasts louder than the quiet beckoning of our true personal glory. Acclaim like the fruit of the tree of wisdom is not ours for the taking and yet our hands are not stayed despite this warning. And yet somehow with unpredictable accuracy love removes this delusion.

The hidden treasure of love returned, seeking our true selves reflected in the eyes of another person seems like a utopian fantasy. Until we see it for the first time and it is as if the gates have reopened. Our hope is renewed and for those terrifying moments we are glorified yet by our own splendor because that which is most horrible, hidden from all others is still in us and yet this other person loves us anyway. They see what is god-like in us and for some reason that new perspective refreshes and fulfills our dreams of greatness. We see power and prestige knowingly as shallow mirages. We begin to present ourselves honestly without suggesting that there is anything to hide. We learn to see ourselves as our lover sees us; flawed, imperfect and glorious.

Gift Wrapping September 12, 2008

In a relationship, “I love you” can be crippling. It becomes justification for irrational and borderline psychotic behavior. It can become a reason to stay together, even when all trust and healthy affection has deteriorated. It is a constant band-aid to the heart when all else fails. And like any healing salve, it can become an addiction, the emotional “fix” that makes all other hardships diminutive by comparison. The rest of our lives seem small when we can claim that another person loves us and even if the rest of our lives fall apart and we are left with only the residue of an emotion like love we feel we have triumphed and our suffering is vindicated.

 

All the colored paper comes off. And if the end we are only left with each other, as we are and no more than that. The ribbons and bows of disguise fall away, because we really aren’t the pretty pictures made up during  our early dating history. We create the pretty pictures to deceive one another. Though parts of us really are beautiful, we hide the things in ourselves that we believe the other person will not find as attractive. The things we decide are ugly are those pieces and parts that we are ashamed of in ourselves. Truthfully, there are many parts that are ugly. Ugly parts hidden beneath layers of gift wrapping, hidden so deep we can pretend they’re not there. For every pretty place there is an ugly place to match but these differences are what make us individuals. The paper is simple packaging we’ve created or accumulated over the years. The designer box is only the beginning. Because like Russian dolls, you can simple keep opening. As close as we come to the last layer there will be more and more wrappings even we forgot were there, taped over the not so pretty parts of our selves.

 

I think the challenge is to not just let the other person tear through the layers but to accept and remove them one by one ourselves. After all, it is not the other person we must live with in the end, but ourselves. Certainly it is good to put one’s best foot forward so to speak, but I’m taking ballroom dancing right now, and I’ll tell you, there is no best foot. Even when your teacher tells you, you can’t step on someone’s foot, you will. What’s great about that though, is then you get to laugh. It’s embarrassing and it’s difficult but it’s so worth it, just to learn something new about yourself and seek out the weaknesses so that you can appreciate and develop your love and appreciation for the strange and unique qualities you have hidden away from the world under silly wrappings. We do this so that when we do find love and we are in the midst of its passion and impulsivity, we can enjoy the moment and the emotion but we do not sacrifice or loose ourselves in the relationship. Love may not leave us prepared to be ourselves or to leave when things are no longer satisfying our needs, but self knowledge will never let you down. The more you learn about yourself, your dreams, wants and desires the better prepared you are to enter a relationship and fall in love but do not loose yourself in the moment.