Pleasing Obsession August 17, 2009

Jack’s  need to always be organized and responsible was the driving force that made me want to possess him. I coveted his eyes, his hands, his lips on mine, and the rest of his body. He was a constant distraction all summer. There was so little I could do to stop thinking of Jack, talking about Jack. What began as summer love quickly devolved into an ongoing obsession.

As though my mind were not my own, all that was me melted into a selfless pleasing shell. My only desire was to touch him, to amuse him in some way so he’d love me. I wanted Jack to love me most, love me best, and make me the center of his universe. I wanted his world to revolve around me. I wanted him to need me the way I did him. In a jealousy driven obsession, I lost myself in emotion thinking it was love.

The obsession with Jack concealed the fear I felt of loosing him. I wanted Jack to know the pain that was my world when he was not around. I justified my obsession with unequivocally leading questions, “Does that make him my one?” Never considering if the needs I wanted to meet for him, were needs that he was able or unable, willing or unwilling to meet for me. I sought anything to keep me from thinking about the shallow one-sided nature of our relationship. I almost made the insurmountable leap to, “He could be my one for always.” He just might have been if not for inevitable growth that happens as a young woman ages. In a way, I never thought I wasn’t right for Jack but on some level I always knew he wasn’t right for me.

Love is a Volatile Phrase September 12, 2008

Love is a volatile phrase when used incorrectly. “I love him but I hate our relationship.” “His voice is the reason I get up in the morning.” “Spending so much energy on making myself inaccessible is hard.” Numerous women and men I know use expressions similar to the ones above when discussing their relationships. I can not say I haven’t been there, in that all encompassing utopia of relational bliss when you imagine flaws as strengths and truly believe you have found the proverbial “one”. Do I believe in love? Absolutely. Do I believe this is it? Hell no. When you express your feelings as contradictions of what is wrong or unsuitable in the other person, what is being described is obsession. Perhaps fear of being alone, the intensity of your lust or attraction to the other person, or simply your desire to be in a relationship lead us to express “love” when the emotion we are experiencing is more aptly recognized as obsession.

 

Obsessing and becoming consumed with another person is a dangerous position in which to place ourselves. It is not love but it takes on the properties we want to believe are there. Psychology teaches us that the brain recognizes patterns. The conscious and subconscious mind have the ability to recognize those patterns, however they will refuse to see clear patterns where they don’t want to and they will create patterns where there are none in order to preserve your concept of reality. This in turn is demonstrated by a conversation I recently had with a friend, “I love him when he’s cute and just missing me, I love him when he’s sick and calls all the time because I’m what makes him better. To be wanted and needed not because I’m a nurse or my common sense advice really makes a difference in his health but rather because I’m me and just who I am is enough to make him feel better.” Many would say that doesn’t sound particularly bad. She goes on to say, “I will hold him in my arms and just let our hearts beat together for a while. So I can play with his hair as we watch tv and I can purr sweet nothings in his ears so he’ll want to get better faster. Making him tea and toast and rubbing his back when he coughs in the night”. Some might argue it must be wonderful to have such a Florence Nightingale devoted to you in times of need. But what starts as enjoying the feeling of being needed quickly spirals into a desire for dependence.

 

I will concede that being needed is a nice feeling. It is also the first step towards dependence. Where instead of two people spending time together because they mutually enjoy the others company, one person takes on the role of caretaker. When this happens the relationship dynamic transforms from two equals, to one person being in charge or responsible for the other (not to get too Freudian with the parent-child relationship reference). The other individual can respond in one of two ways. They can accept this caretaker role in their partner and take advantage of the situation, constantly demanding more and more attention. Or, they can attempt to return the favor. Unfortunately, if one is obsessed rather than in love they do not want this favor returned. It feels good to do something kind for another person, which is why my friend wants to take care of her sick boyfriend. Not letting him take care of her in return is a huge mistake. It is denying him the opportunity to give back and feel the same joy that she does in the initial giving. When this happens the person can enjoy being treated well and not having to return the favor for a while but eventually both are left unsatisfied. My friend will wonder why he never does nice things, not realizing that she is the culprit for that situation. Her partner will not feel fulfilled in the relationship because all give and take has dissolved. As their relational patterns become routine, he will loose all sense of how to take care of her or meet her needs. If never given the opportunity to practice, how can he hope to learn?

 

There is a line between what is love and what is obsession. By taking the time to step back and observe our lives and our relationships in the big picture, we give ourselves the opportunity not only to fall in love but to be more accepting of loving relationships. Creating traps for ourselves in unions that are not suited to either our ourselves or our partners is a waste of time. Recognizing that obsession will never bring fulfilling mutual satisfaction it is best to end such masochistic bonds in order to pursue the true love that I do believe is waiting for all of us.