My life is interesting. I always have great stories. I have adventure, mystery, scandalous revelations, and there’s always a punch line. And yet, I am sincerely dissatisfied. I sat down with a friend over lunch and compiled a list a guys I’m talking to, have kissed, or chat with frequently or infrequently for the past three months. Her list, six; my list 24. Before you get your conservative panties in a bundle, keep in mind, these are not men I am sleeping with, although what would it matter if I did? These are people who are and have sincerely invested time and effort into getting to know me and I am entirely disinterested. But it is remarkable. Who are these guys? Where did she meet them? Is there something in the water? She’s a tramp isn’t she? Truth be told, I’m not perfect. I am a complete tease. I require intense levels of attention that one human being cannot possibly provide.
The worst part is that I don’t even dedicate a solid hour a day to one man or these many men. I work full time. I go to grad school full time. I am steering committees. I travel most weekends. I am at any one time reading two magazines, five books, writing a term paper, settling my extensive and explosive family, planning for my future, making dinner, and soothing the needs of a much ignored dog. And yet I still find the time to juggle men. It’s as if I am setting myself up to be the antithesis of Darwin’s theories of evolution. Darwin believed and argued in the Origin of the Species that male mammals seek multiple partners to ensure that their lineage would continue; female mammals seek a single mate to provide and protect their young. Current biology agrees with this theory. And despite what natural selection, the Origin of the Species and millions of scientists across the globe have found through research and intensive study, I don’t fit.
I am the contradiction, the outlier, not the rule. In statistics my professor drew a diagram of the average income for Lebron James’ high school class, based on their assumed current income. All the dots fell to the left, whereas Lebron, clearly the outlier, is making significantly more than his fellow classmates and therefore his income skewed the data for the entire graph. I am the Lebron James to the female sex, in this example. I don’t make sense and it makes for a phenomenal story. You’re probably wondering who I think I am and why I thought it appropriate to list men like groceries and then decide how to handle each one between bites of macaroni and cheese. Just so you know, the majority were voted off the island. Five are going to be kept as friends and three, who I might add are all out of state, remained on the potential suitor list, now you’re paying attention.
It’s exactly what your early twenties are theoretically to be about. You’re supposed to try new things, date different people, find what you want, discover who you are and who you are not. It’s a blast and yet I am completely bored with it. Bored is an understatement, and obvious attempt to cloak my true feeling, which is that I’m lonely. It is possible to be the center of all of this attention and yet if you are not the focus of the one you want, you might as well be alone. It takes a certain kind of guy to break in, and even if you get to the part where I accept calls or even go so far as to make them to you, I’m still a pretty tough nut to crack. However, now this is where Darwin’s theory does make sense, when I find what I’m looking for, I am not distracted. I am focused, attentive, and for lack of a better word, devoted. I think Marilyn Monroe put it best when she said, “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And if my best is Lebron James, then I think we can agree it’s going to take some mad skills for someone to keep up. Maybe Darwin does have a point, unlike these males it’s not about quantity, it’s about the female mammal looking for a quality mate. Someone to provide and protect her young. Someone who isn’t just fascinated by her novelty but who knows what she needs and is prepared to satisfy her wants and desires. It’s like a great story; set the scene, build the plotline, reach the climax, and provide a resolution. If only life were so easy…
