Let me put you in the game… September 28, 2008

Life is a lot like a game you skipped all the practices before. You don’t know the plays, barely understand the rules and can’t help but feel lost on the bench or on the field. The true problem is that nobody knows more than anyone else. We all operate under the illusion that there is someone out there with more wisdom, direction and credibility. What if the only realization at the end is that we still know just as little as we did when we began the journey?

 

Things like life, love, expectation and promise are all part of the ride; but honestly they only teach us how little we really do know, let alone understand. When crossing over from childhood to our teen years, we feel so helpless and yet are convinced we know so much. We know everything. The pace at which that veil is lifted, depends on the experiences life hands us. Some reach old age still believing they know it all. Then there are some, like yours truly, who left 19 only to wish they never had. Life is so much easier when you know everything. You have all the questions and all the answers. Nothing will convince you otherwise. It is this conviction that creates and maintains youthful arrogance. That certainty is enviable to those of us who are now past the delights, intrigue and blissful ignorance of our youth.

 

So if in our younger years we know everything and in our older years know nothing. What is it that brings about our defeat? Socrates would say our wisdom. We know the right questions but no longer seek the quickest answer. In other words, we become aware of our own limitations. In the game of life, on the bench or on the field, it is understanding that the game is with yourself that most enhances your chances for success.

 

Asking and understanding are the only rewards offered of life, or attained for that matter.

This is the Day September 12, 2008

I am exhausted. I am in the bleak zone between sleep and delirium. The trippy blackness that occurs after all nighters, college finals, and marathons is my reality. What is so difficult and addicting about this place is that I’m in the zone…at least I feel like I am…note to self, budding psychosis setting in 12:23AM.

 

Things are hard in life, which is a truism. But things are also so phenomenally great. In this mental place I am suddenly appreciating the little things that make living so grand. I really like hot showers. I like sleeping snuggled under my duvet with the room cold. It’s especially wonderful when the blankets don’t fall off in the middle of the night so you wake up shivering. That happened last night, tonight I’m hoping it does not.

 

My dog really loves me. In that sweet, adoring couldn’t care less if I smelled, had no teeth, or was hated by everyone else. She cares that I have a job, that’s the kibble money but other than that, I could curl up on the couch watch infomercials all day and she’d love me just the same.

 

I am optimistic. I love the Office, I love that Jim asked Pam to dinner. I’m so effing excited about it; I’ve been up since watching the DVR some two hours ago. I’m giddy like I have a date with Jim. I like that I can truly be completely happy for another (albeit fictional character in this case) person. I like that about me. Last night I tried reading my economics homework on my back porch with a very large glass of white wine and my Uggs. It was divine. I watched the sun set, relaxed on our truly trashy couch and enjoyed the almost fall evening. A note on the couch: oh yes, it sits on our balcony or the verandah as I call it…it really is gorgeous. We just like to take the property values down a notch, you know with mortgages going so well lately it’s the least we can do for the neighbors. They love us.

 

I have been insanely busy lately and it’s getting worse. Truthfully, I love that too. It’s great to have places to be and things to do but most importantly I feel as though I accomplish so much more. Sure my days are long, hence the bleary eyed mess that I become circa 10 each night. But it’s refreshing and rejuvenating to wake up at six and know that I have things to do, that I will accomplish this set of goals by a certain date and time. It’s a beautiful, blissful serenity of self that I am enjoying in this day and in this moment. I feel terrific. I’m going to bed, I am clearly awake on adrenaline alone.

It hurts so much to feel so good. August 21, 2008

I truly enjoy a good laugh. Of all the things in life that one can pursue (wealth, fortune, fame, great sex, etc.), I much prefer a can’t breath, may fall down it hurts so much to feel so good laugh. Friends that can make you truly fall over gasping for air are few and far between. Meeting a person that brings out that quality is truly priceless. I pursue laughing and laughter at all times and in all places. Maybe it’s morbid to laugh in a funeral home or at the hospital, it’s also a comfort. Am I going to get sick and die some day? I sure as shit am, what’s the point in crying about it? Being able to see the humor in life’s tragedies enables me to get through it. Laughter is the deepest expression of true emotion.

 

Those that entertain and are entertaining can be devastatingly cruel or personally devastated. I think part of the attraction to humorous people is that they are wounded. There is some deep pain from which they cannot recover. They must reach inside themselves and tap the source sporadically to deal with the intensity of their emotions. The problem then is that you always feel a bit of that pain, it seasons your laughter. Perhaps it’s sarcasm, puns, or jocular kidding. Pain can be felt simultaneously with love, passion, and satisfaction enjoying the fruits of one’s labor. In humor, pain can be cutting, embarrassing, or harsh but it always eases someone’s personal situation.

 

There are few things as revealing as a person’s sense of humor, it is one way in which to be naked in font of the room. When you reveal the heartache, scorching wounds, and personal lows in a mocking manner you allow others to feel their own pain. The humorous person is a mercenary in that way. They have given something back and returned a favor as the audience enjoys the story and the showmanship they are also more attune to their personal hardships. It is in this way that what is real, what is sentiment, what made the trip, was laughing. It is the only amusement that can move you to the brink of tears. The hurtful, malicious, and lasting emotion is one true revelation we can all share. In life we are perpetually reliving our deepest and most sacred acts of personal pain. Humorous people react differently. They put it out there before it kills them inside. While the rest of us love to laugh, we never wittingly consent to the fact that what makes something funny or enjoyable is sharing a similar realization. Laughter, put simply is shared pain.