Self Sacrifice January 13, 2009

More than before I’m realizing the necessity for me to reach out to others, rather than expecting them to always reach out to me. There is a very important trade off of favors but as Daniel O’Hagan used to be quite fond of saying, “You don’t get letters if you don’t send letters.” Which is a beautiful message in and of itself. You can’t receive if you don’t give. And as St. Francis of Assisi said, “Grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand.” Therein lies a message and a promise. Seek out ways in which to serve and your reward will be greater but less important. For that which we most need is not more for ourselves but to give more of ourselves to others.

In the past year I think I spent a large amount of my time ignoring this truism because I do feel better knowing I have done something for someone else. Having these gestures returned however is also important. Because I have found that having someone in your life with which you are constantly is one way to assure the demise or failure of your relationship. Having any relationship of this nature also to ruins your desire to bestow kindnesses upon others. Generosity of self is a thankless job, however when giving unto others, specifically those in dire need it is important to remember that this is a gift that will most likely not be returned. However, when doing kind acts and making selfless gestures to one’s friends and acquaintances it is paramount to realize that when one gives of their time, energy, creativity and personal effort it is not without the understanding that you are to respond in kind. Perhaps the amount need not be returned to the dollar but the realization that, “to whom much is given much is expected” should be fairly recognized and applied. The aim is not for this other person to be a martyr but for them to be a supportive and loving friend. One of the truest characteristics of a good friendship is when there is give and take from both partners not one consistently giving while another only takes.

Personal comedy of errors December 2, 2008

When I look at life, I’m always so optimistic. I am naively cheerful about the silver lining that I’m so sure is on its way. Maybe that makes me a joy to be around or maybe it just makes me a pain in the ass. Take this year for starters, I didn’t really want to leave home and then I have to fly back to Chicago for school. I get here and for two weeks I get nothing but the run around from financial aid which really is no aid at all. It would be more aptly named, financial pain in my ass. I finally get the administrative block off of my account. Then I have twenty-four hours to register for six classes, get twelve signatures and all the proper forms submitted and approved by the dean to be re-enrolled. I feel it would be appropriate to point out that I had already enrolled. Due to some clerical error I was removed from all of my classes, so all of this could have been avoided. Though I did everything on my end to assure this did not happen, apparently someone else did not. I settle for four classes I like. Then I think I’ll catch up, I’ll get on track.

I go to buy books. I realize that I probably will not make it through another month when financial pain in my ass will put another block on my account and have me kicked out of my classes. Optimistic I know, but for the time being I’m set, I’m ready, everything is great and then I get sick. Too sick to read, or move, or think about homework but I still do it. I’m up working until one in the morning. Then I get sicker, until I get better. Once I am healed I head off to the library to get my work done. I’m at the library for a good four hours when I realize my wallet has been stolen. Someone has taken all of my personal items and stolen my identity and yet I am taking it in stride. Now I have to tell my roommates that I cannot join them on our planned trip to the University of Kentucky for the weekend because I have no wallet, no credit card and no way of paying my own way.

I wake up in the morning to the roommates excitedly packing. As they debate on what to wear, I file my police report. I explain to the officer on duty that all of my medical, financial and personal identification and my cell phone have been stolen. When enquiring as to the value of said phone, she bursts out laughing when I tell her I paid $15 for it. Apparently this is hysterical at 8 a.m. on a Friday morning at the police station. I go over my story again with campus police. Much to my chagrin I will again be featured in the student paper for something stupid, damn eager underaged investigative reporters.

I must face my roommates and explain that although I would love to share in their adventures, I must now stay home by myself to try to resolve this minor crisis. Only they don’t accept no for an answer. Julie tells me I’m going to Kentucky, no questions asked. I’ll pay her back whenever I can and if I can’t then I won’t and she doesn’t care either way. She’s not getting stuck in a car by herself with Karen for over ten hours. I can do my homework on the drive down, which I’m sure you all know doesn’t happen. I’m too busy singing ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ to notice. I have a brilliant time. I meet great people, we attend fun parties, I kiss new boys and we go to exciting sporting events. All in all my faith in humanity and my positive outlook has been shaken but inevitably is renewed. I can finally see why I’m always so damn cheerful, because despite all evidence to the contrary, things can always get better even when they seem to be worse.

What will your verse be? October 4, 2008

I had an epiphany at dinner last night. A warm merlot in my hand gave the room and the company a spicy comfortable glow. Giving me a fine opportunity wax poetic and distance myself from conversation, just long enough to really appreciate the moment. Shakespeare once wrote that, “all the world’s a stage,/ And all the men and women merely players” and though often quoted, I really thought about what that meant.  As I looked from face to face, I had known each person for over a third of our lives. I was surprised by spouses, significant others and stories of children. In the play I had cast almost ten years ago, I did not know these characters would come. Their lives have meshed with mine, weaving intricate patterns. Leaving for new stages and adventures, friends have returned with bright memories, plot lines and now a new generation of players. Together we now have a shared history.

 

As I sipped my wine, I was overcome with gratitude. Reacquainting myself with friends who have stopped drinking, started having kids, married, divorced or moved out of town; I felt at home. To be a part of this charade is my life’s work. Walt Whitman wrote the answer, “that the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse”. That is why we laugh, breath, drink red wine, tell old stories over again and play new pranks. Who knows what our verse will be? Who knows if the play is even that good? Maybe it’s a horrible drawn out matinee that everyone leaves wondering why? What we do know is that the show must go on. Whether we are backstage pulling levers and helping others change costumes; center stage singing our contemptible hearts out; or in the chorus supporting the scene; our time will come. We may not know when it will come but true friends will remind us if we screw it up and will share a toast to our successes and failures in the end.

Folly in Friendship September 9, 2008

I have noticed a surprising (at least to me) number of women I know, are lacking confidence. This apparently is common; however the choice to take that feeling and turn it into negative aggression towards other women is new to me. I believe in the value of female companionship. I think friendship is another type of love and those who are careless with such relationships should be reminded of their importance. I understand feeling less than perfect or having a tough time with self esteem. But the honest to goodness ‘can’t calm my psychosis because I’m too intimidated and self aware’ sort of behavior is unacceptable. It’s mainly because I don’t often care much about what other people do or think. It is in this way that I am uncommon and I realize that this opinion is in many ways contrary to what most women experience. I feel the choices we make in our personal lives are our own and what happens therein is not my duty to question, judge, or even really know much about. And yet, other women seem obsessed by what other people are doing, who they are dating, what they said to whom. I want to quantify my statement by saying that I am not friends with sixth graders. I am talking about educated, intellectual, gainfully employed, independently established, and upwardly mobile middle class women. Though we are in our early twenties, it is reasonable to demand a higher level of maturity that seems to be falling by the wayside in modern women.

 

These women attempt to transfer their inadequacies onto other topics as a diversion. This I do not mind in the least. By all means, take your aggression out on inanimate objects, spaces, and traffic. What bothers me is when women friends think they have the right to ask others to not be themselves, in order for them to feel better. This, to me, is not friendship. It is wrong to ask another person not to be herself. If you truly liked me for who I am and valued me as a person, you wouldn’t want to change these individual qualities. I will not attempt to be a wallflower so someone else can feel good. First of all, I don’t want to. Secondly, I would never ask a person not to be the best version of themselves, why would I let them ask that of me? That is entirely out of line. If you need me to be less in order to feel like more yourself, then that is a self esteem issue that you must deal with and I can’t make better.

 

As a side note, if the man you are dating or considering for such a role is distracted by other women so easily, do you really want to be with him? I believe in relationships there is a certain element of chemistry and mutual interest. If that exists between two people then nothing is going to break that bond. If that does not exist between two people, no matter how much your friends downplay their best qualities it’s not going to change that dynamic. Now having the insecurity is not a problem, everyone has similar feelings from time to time. Insecurity becomes a problem when you allow that fear to alter the way in which you see and react to the world. When a woman feels so threatened that she feels she must lash out and say cruel and hurtful things in order to make herself better, I think it’s inappropriate. It’s a personal problem, deal with it.

 

It is rude, inconsiderate, and shallow to ask a friend to be less than she is naturally. I am a person who has a good time and enjoys life. If you must find a way to knock me down so you feel taller, then the problem is not with me, it’s with you. I am not angered by the cruel and hurtful comments. I am disappointed because I feel you are not friends with a person if you cannot trust them. You befriend people of value who contribute positively to your life. What is the point in spending time with people you do not trust?

 

I will always firmly believe in the necessity and importance of open communication. Simply talking through the situation makes so much more sense than manipulating, conniving, and yelling. The value of truth and honesty between friends is paramount. Because when we support our friends they in turn support us and in so doing we strengthen that bond and loyalty.

 

The basic underlying factor is mutual respect. If insecurity has taken such a toll on your worldview, then perhaps there is some inner searching you need to complete. I realize I am unique. I believe that in a relationship you should be open. I want my partner to be friends with my friends. I want him to be able to talk with my women friends, share jokes, and openly communicate. I don’t believe that by locking a person away from friends and acquaintances you strengthen your bond. Your justification for confidence in the other person and the relationship is revealed when in situations demanding tact and social interactions with the opposite sex occur. Even Repunzel, locked away in her town found a way to get a man in her bedroom. Actually, if you read the actual story, she also had premarital sex and two illegitimate children, but that is an entirely different tale. The point is that it is difficult enough to be a single woman. Do we really need to cut one another down in order to show our sparkle? I would argue that no, we are modern women. We are the independent and critical thinkers of our day. What is most important is self-awareness and introspection. We have to know ourselves before we can hope to let someone else in. Let’s not be petty. The direction we need to look is inward and realize that you shine because of who you are, not by the company you keep. The partners we choose should be looking for such a quality. Do not settle for someone who is distracted by the next pretty face, choose and love men who see your unique glow and truly value who you are not how you compare to those around you.

Midwestern Summers August 21, 2008

Sun, surf, sand, and tanned hard bodies; not typically references made when discussing Cleveland, Ohio. However, the love of sport, specifically beach volleyball unites these terms and so many players across the country. Surprisingly enough, we have beach volleyball here. There are no quicksilver clad beach bodies leaping through the air or teams even using real plays. Here on Whiskey Island we have managed to bring together the West Coast laid back approach and the Midwest beer bellies and competitive spirit, there’s a reason the big ten was born here. The glory of this combination is that more often than not players come out and have a great time.

Whiskey Island hosts two summer sessions every year for mainly the mid-twenties to late-thirties after work crowd. The sand is right on the water surrounded by netting to avoid losing the ball either in the woods or to the lake. Eight courts and the Sunset bar, we couldn’t ask for more. Game play is done in shifts every hour. Best out of three wins the day and teams have the option to continue game play even if one team masters the first two rounds. Team uniforms are typically t-shirts with obscene advertising for either local bars or the team itself. Each team must have one female player for every two males and typically there is a fair distribution.

The glory of the sport on Whiskey Island is the conditions. Even with some impressive height and skill from recent college players, the wind off the water, and drunken debauchery contribute more to the score than skill. Most games are determined by luck and laughter which is a great feeling at the end of a long work day. The attitude varies by team but is predominantly relaxed. Most will tell you if your team is actually up another point or no one really saw the ball hit so let’s re-play. Camaraderie is king when after the game players head back for cocktails together. In the event of rain delay drinking competitions will do until game play is re-started…usually if the lightning’s gone we’re good to go.

Though the sand is shallow and the sticks can really carve up your legs on a fine dive, the experience is worth it. The real point and purpose is good times with friends which you always are in a nice Midwestern town.