Self Sacrifice January 13, 2009

More than before I’m realizing the necessity for me to reach out to others, rather than expecting them to always reach out to me. There is a very important trade off of favors but as Daniel O’Hagan used to be quite fond of saying, “You don’t get letters if you don’t send letters.” Which is a beautiful message in and of itself. You can’t receive if you don’t give. And as St. Francis of Assisi said, “Grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand.” Therein lies a message and a promise. Seek out ways in which to serve and your reward will be greater but less important. For that which we most need is not more for ourselves but to give more of ourselves to others.

In the past year I think I spent a large amount of my time ignoring this truism because I do feel better knowing I have done something for someone else. Having these gestures returned however is also important. Because I have found that having someone in your life with which you are constantly is one way to assure the demise or failure of your relationship. Having any relationship of this nature also to ruins your desire to bestow kindnesses upon others. Generosity of self is a thankless job, however when giving unto others, specifically those in dire need it is important to remember that this is a gift that will most likely not be returned. However, when doing kind acts and making selfless gestures to one’s friends and acquaintances it is paramount to realize that when one gives of their time, energy, creativity and personal effort it is not without the understanding that you are to respond in kind. Perhaps the amount need not be returned to the dollar but the realization that, “to whom much is given much is expected” should be fairly recognized and applied. The aim is not for this other person to be a martyr but for them to be a supportive and loving friend. One of the truest characteristics of a good friendship is when there is give and take from both partners not one consistently giving while another only takes.

The Glories of Love January 12, 2009

It is as if I have finally found a refreshing drink after years of searching waterless beaches. I have sought a dream in my nights and in my waking. Searching for a man that could be all I was and more than that, all that I would be someday. Things such as power and greatness are illusive and artificial. Love is a solid substance, palpable and delicious. A musky emotion you can absorb or be buried by first. It is dangerous because of its unknown depths and strength over our wills.

When we do not have love or live with loving ferocity we strive for goals that seem as satisfying but are weaker and less fulfilling. The desire for recognition and power is empty. It is a temporary escape from our true acknowledgement of self. We want others to only know our victories and our strengths. In this way we release our selfish desire to see only the good in ourselves. As we strive to project that image into the minds of others, we loose sight of who we really are. We lie to ourselves and each other, loosing grasp of our personal realities.

We walk out of Eden for a shot a lies and the temporary glories we imagine will make us gods. As we walk towards the fake light and the false intimacy, we forget the garden. The gate locks behind us but we do not hear the click as we seek to define ourselves by our presumed narcissistic glory. The sound of applause overwhelms and blasts louder than the quiet beckoning of our true personal glory. Acclaim like the fruit of the tree of wisdom is not ours for the taking and yet our hands are not stayed despite this warning. And yet somehow with unpredictable accuracy love removes this delusion.

The hidden treasure of love returned, seeking our true selves reflected in the eyes of another person seems like a utopian fantasy. Until we see it for the first time and it is as if the gates have reopened. Our hope is renewed and for those terrifying moments we are glorified yet by our own splendor because that which is most horrible, hidden from all others is still in us and yet this other person loves us anyway. They see what is god-like in us and for some reason that new perspective refreshes and fulfills our dreams of greatness. We see power and prestige knowingly as shallow mirages. We begin to present ourselves honestly without suggesting that there is anything to hide. We learn to see ourselves as our lover sees us; flawed, imperfect and glorious.