How to tell if you’re drunk. November 18, 2009

I know I’m drunk because I’m cuddling with the dog on the floor. Whispering sweet nothings in her ear, collapsed on the kitchen floor. Nevermind that the kitchen is the first room I enter when I walk into the apartment. It is also the coldest, most uncomfortable place in the house. A place I would choose not to snuggle in on any other occasion. But after a night out or an early happy hour, I find myself spooning the puppy seconds after entering the door.

 

When I’m drinking I don’t always know for sure if; I’m ok to drive, the girl I’m making out with is really a 10, or my jokes are that funny. But at the end of the night if I’m on the floor with the dog, I know there is an unequivocal answer to the question, “Are you ok?” And that is, “Nope, I’m definitely hammered.”

 

Of course snuggling a beloved pooch is always wonderful. But whispering sweet nothings and intermittently crying about the current state of affairs in my life is a give away.

 

Currently my life not as lovely as one would think. Not that things are bad, per se, but they are challenging enough to warrant burying my face in a matted furry mess of pool soaked hair and summer dog smell. It’s not exactly terrible but then again it isn’t really pleasant either.

 

At least it gives me a direct answer. There is no questioning where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing when my wife walks out of the living room to find me passed out in front of the refrigerator spooning the dog and not in bed where I told her I’d meet her 20 minutes ago.

 

In other news, things that are unpleasant to wake up to in this state include; the view of what exactly is under your fridge and cupboards, the hysterical laughter of your spouse, and a cold puppy nose…Anywhere. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that all manners of reaching wakefulness at this juncture are completely unpleasant and should be avoided at all costs. Therefore, I hereby resolve to attempt to make it at least to the couch for future late night cuddle sessions with the puppy.

Capital – O – Other November 18, 2009

I’m dating a new guy and I feel as if he’s trying to own me. To belong in my life or to become so entrenched in my day to day living that I am incapable of existing without him. What is it about me that brings out the batty in men?

 

They are independent, free thinking and competent people. They excel in professional careers, sports, and in competitive conversations and yet they fall to pieces with me. They want me to coddle them, hold them, love them. As if it’s suddenly my job to make it better, nurse wounds, and be everything. I have to be with them, for them, and somewhere they can hide.

 

I don’t know why it is, I don’t know how it happens. I just know that it drives me crazy. I need space; I need the freedom to freak out on my own. The opportunity to spend my time doing nothing and being alone is not a luxury, it is a requirement.

 

I typically seek out partners who initially do not require constant affirmation. I appreciate individuals who are capable of creating, building, and living a life on their own – read, without me.

 

I don’t want to be someone’s everything. I want to be the partner, the better half but definitely capital O – Other. I do not want to be just an extension of you, to be the only female semblance in your life. I want to be a column in the arcade not the shingles. It’s as though men loose themselves in me. And it’s not fair, I already have have a Me. I want to be there but I don’t want to be all there is, I need to miss a man to appreciate when he’s here.

Importance of Imagination November 8, 2009

Fireflies dance in and out of the porch light on an endless summer night that feels like yesterday, even though yesterday was Christmas. Memories are funny like that; I can remember what never was more than most of my recent history. Like carolers at my door serenading in the season…really happened. Or that dance in the moonlight with the perfect man…never was. There’s so much to have in this life and yet I want to dream up more, create something else, something better than reality can offer. I can and do make the dreams. I manufacture a reality. Those that I choose not to share, I keep in my journal. Because imagining a perfect dream is oftentimes much sweeter than it could be in life. Perfect memories are most often those of the land of never was than the actual past.

 

What is wonderful is that each day is an opportunity to live closer to that dream. To imagine something better and possibly try something new that changes your life is a worthy purpose. I’m not sure if tomorrow will be like yesterday’s Christmas morning or if next week I’ll be dreaming of a better today. What I know and what I remember are unimportant because what will be is always changing. Where I am today does not determine where I can go tomorrow. I can build on an old foundation or start anew on a fresh plot of land. I am fortunate to have my imagination to guide my thoughts, many of us give it up long before we really need it.

Finding What Works November 8, 2009

I am a flirt. I have tendency to flirt with every man in the room. This makes for some great stories, wild adventures, and the assurance that my glass is never empty.  At first this sounds like a fairly excellent plan. However, when one is occupying their time seducing the room and not any one individual, two things occur. No single man feels special and therefore none pursue me because each assumes I am interested in the other. The second factor is that no man is given the opportunity to seduce me. In fact, it is the antithesis to all potential future dating. What I do is harmless and entertaining and yet it brings only temporary satisfaction and typically results in failed emotional connections.

 

If all men in the room are seduced equally they each assume they are nothing remarkable or special and do not pursue. If they believe they actually have a chance they put forth effort. This can be entertaining. But inevitably they cancel each other out. I cannot devote all of my time to a single person when attempting to seduce an entire room. What is wonderful is that this arrangement is satisfactory both to myself and the men involved. In worst case scenario no one involved is misled or harmed by this tame interaction.

 

Each man gets to a point of endearing closeness, but inevitably we have not reached real intimacy. As all the men in the room have been buying drinks, dancing, and putting their best show on, I am guaranteed to have a great night. I am also guaranteed to not be tempted to go home with any of them. I have given none of them the opportunity to woo me specifically and have led none of them to believe that have been seduced by them specifically. Therefore my attachment is to the attention and the show, not to the individual. They are not given the emotional commitment of a long conversation but rather enjoy lighthearted party banter. This can be exciting and enjoyable for both myself and the men involved. However it is not conducive to producing an adult relationship.

 

If everyone is kept at a comfortable distance no one truly gets to know each other. This was developed as a basic act of self-preservation on my part. It assures that I am always wanted more and never known well enough to be hurt. To learn this dance has taken years of precision, development, and obviously trial and error. I have been hurt in fact many of my past relationships consisted of little else. Typically this happens because the personality I portray and the individual that I really am are two very different people.

 

I am able to be the life of the party and turned on, so to speak, when there is an opportunity or need. In my day to day life I enjoy spending my time quiet, relaxed, and actually would rather go to dinner and a movie than a fundraising event. At parties and dinners I prefer my date to take the lead. I enjoy making sassy commentary to the person next to me but want the spotlight on the people I am with rather than myself. This makes dating difficult because typically the people who are drawn to the party persona want me to be that focal point. These men want me to pursue them and want to be taken care of in the relationship.

 

I go through a number of long and drawn out break-ups because I can and do interchange between the two personalities. Once the party is over and I am comfortable being my quieter self. A person who enjoys a boisterous and outgoing woman is usually less attracted to me as a mild mannered and more conservative woman. This is not a fantastic revelation. What can be hurtful is that I am not the wild and boisterous person they were initially drawn towards. I am also dissatisfied because I want that person to switch gears and take the lead so I can relax and quietly observe. Unfortunately, this change comes as a surprise and many men are not the foil I need.

 

I can see how it is disconcerting to begin dating a person believing them to be one way and having to discover they are someone else entirely. It is my fault. I can’t hold these men accountable because I introduced them to the party persona and kept them at a safe distance. However, upon reaching the level of intimacy where I begin to open up and reveal my true self they are confused. Now they are having the exact opposite feeling. They thought they knew and understood who and what I was like, only to discover that the intimacy they had acquired over our courtship is suddenly a lie. I am not the person they had grown accustomed to spending time with and liked very much.

 

My Auntie’s rules of dating should have taught me about this issue long ago. She argues that standards for the relationship are set in the first three to five dates, if not the first or second. If he takes you out for McDonalds and you accept a second date, he knows he doesn’t need to take you nice places or buy you gifts. You are a cheap date. If he takes you out for lobster and you accept a second date, he knows you expect to be treated well. If you have sex on the first date, he knows you’re easy. Potentially future dates are just bootie-calls. These are fairly fluid but as I am 25 and single I think it’s fair to say that I have tried all three and basically if you date a man, odds are it can devolve into just sex regardless of where you start. It can also grow into something more if and when you are ready to be open and honest with who you truly are in all settings. I’m working on that every day.

 

What I have learned in the year that has passed since I wrote this piece is that being both halves is important. Being the life of the party and the quiet Sunday afternoon girl are important because both are me. I am not just one or the other. And anyone who expects me to behave as anything less than the multifaceted crystal that I am is not worth the effort. If I have to explain why I am the way I am more than how I got to be who I am, it’s not going to work. The other important lesson I’ve taken away is that being chatty and a flirt is fun, in a way it’s the speed dating of the party circuit. I’ve tried a few random conversations with most of the people I meet. I’ve shared opinions and they’ve shared their thoughts. I have already learned what a first or second date is meant to teach me, if I’d like a third or fourth. It makes sense to test the waters and spend time with many different men because only then can you hone your tastes and figure out what you really want. It has helped me find what men don’t work for me and which men really do. That and it sure as hell beats sleeping with them all.

This is Wednesday and It Looks Like Rain August 30, 2009

Life is many casual moments that become a history and build a life. There are formal events and inspirational stories but overwhelmingly the short stories of our days are full of folly, adventure, intrigue and simple bliss. I’ve been thinking a lot about David Foster Wallace’s ‘This is Water’ speech from the 2005 graduation ceremony at Kenyon College. His point was that there are very few things that we control in life but we do control our own thoughts.

We have the opportunity to learn from our experiences and grow with them. To grow our own personal selves independently from those around us we need space and time. This week I’ve wrapped myself in my work, in my romantic relationship and involved myself in the events and lives of my friends. These are all good things. However, I am a believer in the simple messages of God, signs or fate; whatever you believe in or want to call it. Anyway, in one week I have had two homeless men speak to me.

The first was crossing the street on my way out of the office and to my car. He yelled something at the man two people ahead of me. He yelled another statement at the woman in front of me. And as I cringed and waited for some come to Jesus statement or to be told I was a whore by a stranger I was surprised. The man got in my face and yelled, “This is Wednesday!” I laughed the rest of the way to my car.

The second comment came two days later from a man holding a cardboard sign, waiting at the stoplight for a handout. As I held my umbrella with both hands and tried to cross quickly to avoid puddles, the man said, “Looks like it might rain.” As it was already raining, I said, “You’re right. Have a good weekend.” He returned the sentiment and I spent the rest of the walk smiling.

I was thinking about how simple these ‘revelations’ were and yet in a way, they were profound. They spoke to me on two levels. First, they were both casual statements on the obvious and based on well known facts. Second, they were a reminder that the simple things in life are often the things we take most for granted and forget to appreciate.

This is Wednesday; I only have two days left in the business week. This is Wednesday I have volleyball tonight and I can appreciate that. This is Wednesday, the work day is over and I can fill the rest of my day in any way I see fit. This is Wednesday.

“Looks like it might rain.” Yes it does. It’s cloudy and my feet are wet so chances are it might continue to rain. Looks like it might rain, I should wear a jacket. Looks like it might rain, especially when it is indeed raining. Looks like it might rain.

These two homeless men provided simple testaments to the factual existence of certain realities in day to day living. These passing conversations are what I thought about this week. These men I do not know and most likely will never see again. They both changed the way I looked at the world if only for an evening or two. They reminded me that I do indeed have the power to think about whatever I want. I have the power to enjoy my day, even when I’m stuck in a dead end job I hate. I have the power to smile and laugh because even though there is a lot to do in the evenings, I don’t have to do it all. I have the power to live each simple moment to the fullest and with a calm appreciation for what is and what may be.

After all, it’s Wednesday and it looks like it might rain.

What is independent? August 4, 2009

Independence feels like a long process but it is also a sudden realization when you know that you have it. Knowing something is right and doing the right thing are two very different things. Knowing what you have to do and having the courage to do it are two very different things. It’s that moment when you recognize you’re not asking someone else to do for you; you are doing things for yourself. It happens when make the first call to your doctor’s office. The first major purchase with your own money has an almost liberating feeling. It’s a personal bank account. When you spend the money you’ve earned on toilet paper and garbage bags. It’s taking on the responsibility of caring for yourself and walking away when it’s easier to fight. Knowing when your parents make a mistake, anyone but you can correct them. It is the realization that calling every day is more for Mom’s benefit than for yours. Knowing when you really need something, Dad doesn’t have it but he still sends it. It’s the understanding that you will always mean more to your younger siblings than you can imagine. It’s remembering Grandma’s birthday all on your own and calling her. It’s paying your own way, just because. And most of all it is the realization that you are never fully independent. You will always need someone’s help.

Letting go of what never was April 6, 2009

Imagination is a powerful tool. It can make a person believe almost anything is true. What’s so tricky is that the more you want to believe something, the more powerful your imagination becomes. You can look at all the facts and you can still think that something never happened or that it occurred differently. So much energy is wasted remaking reality. All the signs are there, you just ignore them. You thought that when your boss said your name and promotion in the same conversation, it meant that you would be getting the promotion. You believed a relationship that didn’t fit your needs from the beginning would last. The flaws poke out like misplaced hairs refusing to be shellacked into place with water, will or gel. And yet what we want overwhelms what we know and we fall into a way of thinking that shields us from reality so that what we hope becomes the truth.

I knew it was love when I realized that I had no control over him or myself and what we were feeling and I didn’t care. It was like a leap of faith towards a bottomless pit. I didn’t know if he was going to catch me but I realized that I didn’t care. If I didn’t take this chance on him I’d regret it for the rest of my life. So I have taken the chance, made the leap and I was wrong. He was only what I imagined and nothing more. He was not what I needed.

I’m not in love with him anymore. I know what I felt, enough to know that I don’t feel it anymore. I used to revel in the moments of uncertainty, laugh at myself and my situation. Letting go of a life that I had planned is difficult. And yet, I can’t seem to hate him. I don’t have the energy to muster revulsion or anger. I’m not yet indifferent but am coming closer to it each day. The foundation I built my dreams on was weak and false. I am reminded of this fact as he repeatedly makes me question how much of our compatibility and his greatness was completely in my head. The human mind is a powerful tool and I wonder if I have not wielded this strength negatively. Using my own imagination to fool myself into believing that I have been in love with and loved by the man of my dreams. I see so many mistakes along the way now. I wonder if I will ever rectify these errors. They say that more harm is caused through indecision than wrong decision. Perhaps the most harm comes of wishing to believe our imaginary lives more than the real world.

Just like clockwork March 28, 2009

Looking around lately  there are children, babies and pregnant women everywhere. Perhaps it’s just the biological clock ticking or I’m suddenly opening my eyes to what surrounds me but conversations of, about and between children mesmerize me. I’m taken in, where before I would just be annoyed or bored. Typically I look for an escape, but then again, typically these children are crying, throwing tantrums or being obnoxious. Children now seem sweet, quiet and endearing. It’s a good thing I’m going to spend some quality time with my niece and nephew, I need to be reminded of what children are like, and not that I don’t adore them, I honestly do. I am probably the most maternal person you will meet who does not have children of their own. And yet, I am twenty-five and still fear the relationship commitment that a parent needs to have with their spouse in order to start a family.

I have the hope and the faith that someday I will be a mother, and yet I still wish away the days and push myself into school, work and a social life that doesn’t allow me the opportunity, freedom or time to devote to another person. When I find myself in a relationship that really could progress in that direction my fight or flight instincts click into high gear. The strangest part of this ordeal is that I am not a man. Usually, it is a masculine reaction to fear commitment or relationships. Yet, in my relationships it has not been my partner who suffers from these symptoms but myself. Making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns I cannot hope to change or progress. My personal hope is that I will find the strength to mature and grow as I need to, it is also the realization that I need to give myself time to grow up. Even though I feel I am in a position and prepared to take on these changes and challenges. It is much like my own childhood, I must learn to accept the advice of my mother and realize that I am confusing what I want with what I think I should have. This does not mean that I will never be ready for these things. Or that the day will not come when I am satisfied, fulfilled and settled as a wife and mother as well as an independent career oriented woman. It simply means that I am not there yet. I’m on my way and will eventually get to that place I just need to stop staring at the clock and make the time to enjoy the ride.

Horrifying and Beautiful February 16, 2009

I am a passionate person. Although, typically, I do not pour my soul and spirit into relationships. I hold back, I play games and I don’t get too involved. I hold friends, family and lovers at a comfortable distance. When these relationships become too intimate, I cut ties for a few months and back away. Until I either forget the person or I rekindle the relationship only to allow it to get to that point again and repeat the cycle. I don’t allow myself to feel relationships too deeply because when I do, it hurts. Dear God it hurts. I feel everything when I care. Every slight, every comment, every glance blinds me with intensity. I cannot continue the light and even humor with which I handle the rest of my day. I experience a mountain of emotions. One second I am hanging my prayer flags on the joyous summit of Everest the next I am gasping for breath with altitude sickness in the lowest valley of despair. It’s both horrifying and beautiful.

I believe that in life the times that are most difficult, most violent and devastating to the soul are the same times in which we grow the most. We come to know ourselves intimately and without guise or premise. We touch the very soil of our souls and till the earth from which our self grows. It is painful and physically exhausting because we are shaking the ground from which our roots, our branches, our memories and our very reality has grown. The truths that we have thought to be constant or unyielding can be completely shattered in a single afternoon. The challenges we thought were difficult in days gone by seem like speed bumps compared to the monstrous hurdles we must overcome in our current life. It is like the small failures and disappointments a child must experience in order to face the larger hurts that come in later life. Had I not learned the pain of falling, I would never have been able to run.

The exuberant joys of personal satisfaction, love returned and goals attained bring me to the momentous pinnacle of bliss. It is supreme and it is glorious. There is no true joy like the emotion coursing from my very roots in this freshly tilled garden to the highest leaves reaching up to the sun. This moment however is transitory it is not stable or lasting, the very joie-de-vivre that exhilarates and elates me runs through the same veins that will crush my spirit with messages of defeat or sadness. I feel everything and in this way I feel as though I am growing.

It is quick and brutal which is why there are growing pains. Not only metaphorically but in the forms of heart-ache, hunger for affection and understanding, sleep deprivation caused by worry or fear and the very tears that burn your eyes as you try to grasp all the changes that are taking place in the core of your being. But from this challenge comes new life. I begin see others for who they really are both to me and the world. I am no longer worried about what my true wants and needs are because I’m starting to understand myself more completely. I have learned what strengthens my being and what takes away from my joy. What nutrients, experiences and people bring out the best in me and which of those try to uproot my happiness. There are people who will shake you to the core, those that will shatter your dreams and tear away your beliefs. They may be your dearest friends because they are pruning you. They are making you better, more agile, streamlined and ready to take on new challenges. There may also be those people who eat at your insecurities and attempt to poison your life source. This self-renewal awakens my deeper instincts to defend and protect both myself and the life that I am carving out. Though these people may hurt or scar me emotionally, they have taught me something more. They have shown me what my weaknesses are. They have given me the gift of seeing where I am flawed and most easily seduced. This is an expensive gift for which I have certainly paid dearly. It is also invaluable because I will be aware and prepared to meet people like this again and I will not be so easily deceived in the future. I will remember my scars and remember old hurts but I will know how to avoid these traps.

I may not know myself completely but I will know more than I have in the past. Our self-knowledge is what prepares us to go on living and for the next transition in our lives where we will meet darker days and brighter magnificence. Letting people and emotions in is one of the most intimidating and terrifying experiences I have known. But I will do it, I will continue to let my heart bleed and feel the sickness that is love. I will soar to the top of the mountain and I will relish in the plummet back to the valley because in those moments when I have destroyed all that I have known before, I have seen a new light and a new future that is not tainted by today or the past. The next day is uninhibited and wild and in that day I will be too. Because I have cried tears for today. I have known the hurt that comes of truly loving. And I would rather live each day climbing, than to reach the plateau and never seek the mountaintop.

January 15, 2009

Carlton,

Thank you very much for your response. I put some thought into your comment and have some opinions of my own I would like to share. It’s not a personal attack at all, I’m a firm believer in learning from others. If I only surround myself with individuals who agree I’ll never learn a new way of seeing the world. I appreciate your reading the blog and responding, I think it is truly a great opportunity to open the dialogue. I think talking about what is wrong is the first step, working out how to fix it stems from there. Here are some of my thoughts:

Clinton balanced the budget, he did not have spare change from the dot com revolution. The money the Bush Administration has spent is money we don’t have now and did not have then. We’re about $455 billion in debt at this point, debt that countries like China are buying up. If I were making a list of countries I would like to be indebted to, China would not be in my top ten. Therefore I might consider as a country incurring this debt we should slow down and stop spending so recklessly.

I am a fan of bipartisanship. I believe the attempt being made by congressional leaders in support of the bailout was to get banks to cooperate with one another in order to help them help their customers. Is this a trickle down approach yes. However, I think when you suggest giving funding directly to citizens you enter into an entirely different debate on who gets what; how much to families in city A, what is considered a “family” unit or creating fair balances between income levels, fluctuating housing values, and what constitutes a fair amount because you can’t give the same amount of money to families across the board. Some have more children, some have smaller houses, and I think it’s appropriate to consider that the cost of housing is much different in Des Moins, Iowa than it is in Los Angeles. I would also like to point out that I don’t think it was the best idea regardless of its political support base.

I do know a thing or two about the economy. I realize presidents have little to no impact directly on the economy. In fact, free market economies don’t recognize the difference between presidents and citizens, they recognize buyers and sellers. Presidents and political parties have great impact on the budget. The budget determines what the U.S. will spend its money on and what it won’t. There is no more or less, there is only option a or option b. If the government spends 100 percent of its money on option a, there is nothing left over for option b. If the government spends 60 percent of its income on option a there is 40 percent remaining to spend on option b or option c, etc. Therefore, as the government continues to spend vast amounts of its income on this war that leaves very little income to distribute to other programs like health care, technology etc.

Yes, loans were given out to poor candidates during the 1990’s. This was done by companies like Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, in order to encourage people to buy homes and invest. Loans were given with exceptionally low rates to individuals that these companies wittingly knew could not pay. To simplify, lenders sold and resold these properties that were worth $5 initially, and then enabled individuals to borrow against the initial value which led to the creation of $8 of debt for a property that was only worth $5. The $3 did not exist and therefore has created a problem for parties repaying and holding these loans as no one can come up the $3 non-existant dollars that were bought and resold so many times it becomes impossible to track. Though I will grant you that politicians have little control over the economy, they do control regulation. The ability of Freddy Mac and Fannie Mae to not only create this loophole, abuse it significantly and then receive a government bailout is rediculous. The responsibility of our public leaders is to assure that companies do not abuse their power, create monopolies and take advantage of U.S. citizens. The need for reform and for reformers who are willing to pay attention to what is needed by the people, not just corporations, is what I believe is necessary to improve our current state of affairs.