The Power and Beauty of Silence August 17, 2009

Silence exists in a vacuum. There can be no other source. For I have heard the sound of silence and the fury that lies therein. There is no quiet peaceful time. Chances to be alone with your thoughts, yes. Attempts at relaxation, yes. But honest, truly honest silence does not exist. If it did though would it be that eerie fear that consumes you when you go in for a cat scan, or the warm vibrations that enter your being when you take a hot bath? I wonder if silence is scary or comforting, warm and mushy or hard like cold steel.

In a way silence is a lot like God. We have faith that it, she, he exists. Yet no one has God’s phone number. There’s prayer, some might argue, but isn’t that what happens when we are sitting in supposed silence? Asking the Lord for advice, filling even our most quiet and vulnerable moments with the ramblings of our train of thought. What if prayer is simply an inner monologue we never heard before, because of all of the noise?

If prayer exists in silence and silence doesn’t exist, does God exist? Obviously not physically, but spiritually? Is God silence? If God is silence is Satan noise? If so are only the deaf and dumb to be saved from the internal eternal noise of hell? Is noise poisonous? Well it must be if we are constantly seeking silence to free ourselves from its clutches. Is anger noise? Is peace silence? Is God noise and the Devil’s temptation silence? If God exists in noise and so much of noise is angry, is God angry? Or is God the sound of silence? Those little moments when we take the time to hear the things we’ve missed. Like the sound of the wind blowing, waves waving, the sun shining, hearts beating, even ourselves breathing. Then certainly all these things must also be God. Thus God is everything and every thing is God.

Lest Ye Be Judged January 13, 2009

The silly façade of perfection drenches the apartment today. We’re making believe and putting on costumes to convince someone, just as imperfect as we are that we’re something we’re not. Something more than we are in reality. Just as my roommate’s mother pretends something she’s not, she wants the rest of us to fall either into the category of snob or pitied. The illusioned world, some call reality is all too fake and menial for my taste. The insignificance of it all is overwhelming. Regardless of what happens we’ll all be judged for something.

There will be fault and guilt assigned. But today I do not care. I’m forcing my reality into its place and regardless of how much I want to make my bed, I’m waiting until after the visit. I’m leaving my laundry on the floor. I’m keeping the closet door off its hinge and I’m not straightening my dresser. Shoes will stay where I take them off, book-bag where I threw it. I am not impressing anyone. I hope to God I disgust her. My goal today is not to be proverbially perfect but to repulse and anger. To irk through seemingly simple carelessness when it is all intentional, I want her to be annoyed. I want this woman who looks down on me and my friends as below her daughter to see what she’s looking for, we live in filth. We are horrible human beings, hell-bent on teaching her daughter lowbrow jokes and how to offend her family. Today she will find what she’s looking for and I hope it gives her no satisfaction. I know she will be just as miserable when she leaves as when she came, there will be no pleasantries or kind remarks. Perhaps I’m making this more difficult on her daughter, perhaps I am that poor influence and maybe I am attempting to help my friend see that there is nothing terrible about the other half. Sure her mother would like to believe that she’s part of some elitist ‘us’ while the rest are an offensive ‘they’ but truthfully there is no difference. As she lives and breathes her daughter is matriculating with ‘them’ and she’s living to tell the tale.

Two strangers living side by side, I point my thumb to “her” and “me” and the not so distant “they”. When reality points my other four digits inside, attention goes back to this girl, and I waiver. There’s much to be said about hiding behind my Marc Jacobs sunglasses, seeing only what I want. Seeing skin deep for lack of a more appropriate cliché. Pointing in other directions, I look everywhere but inwards towards truth itself. Don’t look too close! You’ll see the way, the real way others see me. You’ll know how I’m ranked. In relationships levels and standards reveal too much by telling too little. How high our opinions of self really are, how low our opinions of other people may be become further evidence to the illusions and delusions we allow ourselves to entertain secretly. Silly standards of self-worth that we use to account for how we treat, react and value others. It is how we keep ‘us’ separate from the not so distant ‘they’. I am guilty of the same thoughts and feelings this woman I abhor projects and that cut is a little deeper than I imagined it would be at first. However, seeing that savage and raw hurt within myself as it has been inflicted and then realizing that I have done likewise to other people helps me come to terms with the understanding that in no way is this shallow behavior appropriate. At no time is it acceptable to judge others based on arbitrary standards like class, society, race, gender or sexual orientation. I have felt the sting of that cold judgment and know better than to allow myself to be a conduit for such ill will.

The Glories of Love January 12, 2009

It is as if I have finally found a refreshing drink after years of searching waterless beaches. I have sought a dream in my nights and in my waking. Searching for a man that could be all I was and more than that, all that I would be someday. Things such as power and greatness are illusive and artificial. Love is a solid substance, palpable and delicious. A musky emotion you can absorb or be buried by first. It is dangerous because of its unknown depths and strength over our wills.

When we do not have love or live with loving ferocity we strive for goals that seem as satisfying but are weaker and less fulfilling. The desire for recognition and power is empty. It is a temporary escape from our true acknowledgement of self. We want others to only know our victories and our strengths. In this way we release our selfish desire to see only the good in ourselves. As we strive to project that image into the minds of others, we loose sight of who we really are. We lie to ourselves and each other, loosing grasp of our personal realities.

We walk out of Eden for a shot a lies and the temporary glories we imagine will make us gods. As we walk towards the fake light and the false intimacy, we forget the garden. The gate locks behind us but we do not hear the click as we seek to define ourselves by our presumed narcissistic glory. The sound of applause overwhelms and blasts louder than the quiet beckoning of our true personal glory. Acclaim like the fruit of the tree of wisdom is not ours for the taking and yet our hands are not stayed despite this warning. And yet somehow with unpredictable accuracy love removes this delusion.

The hidden treasure of love returned, seeking our true selves reflected in the eyes of another person seems like a utopian fantasy. Until we see it for the first time and it is as if the gates have reopened. Our hope is renewed and for those terrifying moments we are glorified yet by our own splendor because that which is most horrible, hidden from all others is still in us and yet this other person loves us anyway. They see what is god-like in us and for some reason that new perspective refreshes and fulfills our dreams of greatness. We see power and prestige knowingly as shallow mirages. We begin to present ourselves honestly without suggesting that there is anything to hide. We learn to see ourselves as our lover sees us; flawed, imperfect and glorious.

Literature Review: Professional Psychology October 23, 2008

Topic: Social Perceptions & Attributions

 

Article: Effect of Arbitrarily Assigned Status Labels on Self-Perceptions and Social Perceptions: The Mere Position Effect

 

Citation: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1986. Vol. 50, No. 4, 684-689.

 

URL:http://journals.ohiolink.edu/ejc/pdf.cgi/Sande_Gerald_N.pdf?issn=00223514&issue=v50i0004&article=684_eoaaslosasp

 

Abstract: Subjects in unstructured triads worked on a group decision-making task and then were assigned to one of three status positions (supervisor, worker, or neutral-status observer) for a separate activity that was expected to occur 2 weeks later. The randomness of the assignment was made obvious to the subjects. Subjects’ subsequent assessments of the initial interaction revealed that (a) self-perceptions were unaffected by the status labels, (b) subjects perceived themselves as more leaderlike and more responsible for the group product than the other group members, and (c) observers and supervisors rated supervisors as more leaderlike than workers; in contrast, the workers’ social perceptions were not influenced by positional labels. The data suggest a relation between the self-perceptions and social perceptions of members of a status hierarchy and indicate when status labels will and will not influence evaluations. (By Author)

 

Discussion of Article: The article by Ellard, Ross and Sande explores how much of an impact an arbitrary title has on self perception and on individuals perceptions of others. Their findings indicate that,

 

“1. There was a consistent self-enhancement effect that was not influences by the positional label assigned to the rater.

2. Supervisor’s ratings of workers on the traits scales were susceptible to a labeling effect, although their self-ratings do not appear to have been affected.

3. The trait inferences and responsibility attributions made by the low-status members of the hierarchy (i.e. the worker) were not affected by the positional labels.

4. Observers consistently rated supervisors as more leaderlike than workers were” (685). 

 

This demonstrates the inconsistency of the belief that those that are in management positions are more qualified to lead or supervise than those that work for them. Despite the arbitrary method for choosing who should be in charge, supervisors were still believed to be more leaderlike than the workers. This demonstrates how restricting or limiting social perceptions can be as workers, who simply chose a different sheet of paper were seen as being less capable of leadership simple due to the title they were given. Supervisors were seen in a different light regardless of their personal attributions simply because they were associated with a leadership role and therefore stereotyped as qualified despite having no qualifications what-so-ever.

 

Relevance to Kreitner & Kiniki: This article relates to the reading as an example of how ones professional label can impact social perception. In K&K we learn, “The study of how people perceive one another has been labeled social cognition and social information processing” (KK 207). The authors of this article study how a professional title impacts the way a person is perceived, or more blatantly, how they are judged as qualified leaders or employees.

 

Judgment evaluations were evaluated in this study and confirm what K&K describe as self-fulfilling prophecy, “we strive to validate our perceptions of reality, no matter how faulty they may be” (KK 221). Which means that regardless of the qualifications of the individual because we have been socialized to believe that leaders and supervisors are more qualified we will find ways to see them as such. Psychology tells us that the mind is capable of observing and creating patterns in behavior. We see the patterns in behavior that we are expecting. We perceive someone to be a good employee because we like them or they fit the stereotypical mold of a successful leader, we chose to ignore that this person is only in the office three days a week and infrequently attends staff meetings. In the article the authors argue that, “the label may induce perceivers to think about the target in a particular way,” (685) or because someone has the title of supervisor they are a better leader.

 

K&K go on to analyze performance, “Research similarly has show that by raising instructors’ and manager’ expectations for individuals performing a wide variety of tasks, higher levels of achievement/ productivity can be obtained” (KK 222). This applies to the article by showing that it is possible that due to the title given to the supervisors they raised their activity or leadership capabilities to meet the standards they believe are expected of supervisors. It is also possible that workers de-emphasized their leaderlike skills in order to role play as a stereotypical employee.

 

Personal Experience: This chapter and article really hit home for me personally because I can see stereotypes, social information processing, and the Pygmalion effect in agencies across the state. For instance, every state agency in Ohio is run by a Director, Commissioner, or Chancellor. Individuals in these roles vary in backgrounds and experiences; however every single one of them has a female assistant. This fact may mean nothing, but it struck me as interesting that in the entire state of Ohio there isn’t a single male assistant to a Cabinet member. This can be attributed or interpreted various ways according to our reading. Perhaps no men have applied for these positions (which can also be interpreted on various levels) or the most qualified candidates have only been women. This fact could also be attributed to Sex-Role stereotypes that are applied to certain positions in an organization. It could also be a prime example of the Pygmalion Effect, these women are seen as members of a certain class and are therefore not promoted as frequently as their male counterparts. The expectation by their supervisors is that they will remain in their current roles and therefore these women do little to change careers. The role of the secretary or administrative assistant is not interpreted as a powerful position by society and exemplifies how limiting social perceptions and attributions can be in an organization that fails to recognize the prevalence of such policies.

 

Student Question: Can you describe a situation in your organization in which you or a co-worker were perceived inaccurately? How did you react to this situation? Did this impact your performance or reaction to the other person? Do you feel status labels are used to define success or potential in your office?

Something wayward this way comes September 23, 2008

New beginnings are like new shoes. Some you wear once and leave in the closet, some you break in and wear season after season. I’d like this beginning to be like the perfect brown leather Steve Madden boots I should have just re-soled and never thrown out. I will regret that choice forever. But while the shoes are gone; the memory of nights out, dates, and days where “the walk” gave me the confidence to do whatever I wanted will be cherished forever. I have moved to a new place, I am starting at a new school, I have ended things with Jack for what feels like the final time and I am finding my emotional, spiritual self has changed, as has my physical self. Self discovery has been a powerful journey as has the fight for self acceptance.

 

I made myself a jewelry box more out of cheapness than the desire to be creative, however the message is the same. Inside the lid is the quote, “Self-respect is a question of recognizing anything worth having has a price” by Joan Dideon. Now it is somewhat tongue in cheek to put those words inside a jewelry box. It is also a statement that I am coming to appreciate and growing to understand. The Dali Lama once said that “great love and great accomplishment involve great risk” and I believe he was right. I know he’s sighing in relief because it was my approval he was waiting on to clinch his role as a wise and auspicious world leader. Perhaps now that he’s at ease I can invite Mr. Lama to dinner and we can discuss self-appreciation in depth. I’ll text him later, but the point I’m trying to make here is that valuing what we have and what we have earned by what we have had to give up in order to attain it is a valuable lesson. It’s somewhat basic to judge our personal decisions on their costs as we do shoes, pants and socks but it really makes sense. If I judge what I have gained in life by the sacrifices that I and others have made, then I can truly appreciate the value. It isn’t simply the rule of more is more, less may be more, and none may be more than that. It’s the understanding that sacrifice makes us stronger. The difficult lessons are the ones we remember the most. And the events in life where we are most terrified are often the very same challenges that develop character and make us who we are tomorrow.

 

My mother once said to me that in trying to define my goals and myself that I was, “confusing what I truly want with what I think I should have.” There really is a difference in what makes us happy and what we imagine might make us happier. The grass being greener and whatnot makes sense, but unless we earn what we gain, it does not maintain its value. A free ride or free money, a free lunch as the economists would say, does not exist. What we have in life is based on what we put into it. Surely there are events and situations we regret or wish had never happened, but truth be told there’s a reason. There’s always a reason, even if it’s one too many Tequila Sunrises, it makes us stronger. I am making mistakes all over town lately, fortunately for the continuation of my employment and my education those shambled nights are relegated to my personal life.

 

The glory of those defining, ridiculous and absolutely out of line conversations is that you don’t know if you can get away with something until you try. Terribly juvenile I admit, but I wouldn’t know that I could do so much if I didn’t press the envelope (to use another horrible cliché). By taking things that step too far you’ll find that the sidewalk doesn’t end, you can jump off the side of the building and you don’t plummet to your death. You just find that there is one more step that you had no idea was there. Sure you gave up being able to go back down the other side, but you took a step forward. Even if that step is in stilettos, black pumas or one truly excellent pair of brown leather boots, you’re moving forward. Maybe with a little more confidence, you make your next move. It’s ok to give up what you thought you wanted, it was imaginary. What’s important is that you have what you truly want and you know who you truly are to yourself. Being blind to the judgments of the rest of the world is difficult. Knowing that you’ve made the right choice to start again somewhere new is invaluable.

Love is a Volatile Phrase September 12, 2008

Love is a volatile phrase when used incorrectly. “I love him but I hate our relationship.” “His voice is the reason I get up in the morning.” “Spending so much energy on making myself inaccessible is hard.” Numerous women and men I know use expressions similar to the ones above when discussing their relationships. I can not say I haven’t been there, in that all encompassing utopia of relational bliss when you imagine flaws as strengths and truly believe you have found the proverbial “one”. Do I believe in love? Absolutely. Do I believe this is it? Hell no. When you express your feelings as contradictions of what is wrong or unsuitable in the other person, what is being described is obsession. Perhaps fear of being alone, the intensity of your lust or attraction to the other person, or simply your desire to be in a relationship lead us to express “love” when the emotion we are experiencing is more aptly recognized as obsession.

 

Obsessing and becoming consumed with another person is a dangerous position in which to place ourselves. It is not love but it takes on the properties we want to believe are there. Psychology teaches us that the brain recognizes patterns. The conscious and subconscious mind have the ability to recognize those patterns, however they will refuse to see clear patterns where they don’t want to and they will create patterns where there are none in order to preserve your concept of reality. This in turn is demonstrated by a conversation I recently had with a friend, “I love him when he’s cute and just missing me, I love him when he’s sick and calls all the time because I’m what makes him better. To be wanted and needed not because I’m a nurse or my common sense advice really makes a difference in his health but rather because I’m me and just who I am is enough to make him feel better.” Many would say that doesn’t sound particularly bad. She goes on to say, “I will hold him in my arms and just let our hearts beat together for a while. So I can play with his hair as we watch tv and I can purr sweet nothings in his ears so he’ll want to get better faster. Making him tea and toast and rubbing his back when he coughs in the night”. Some might argue it must be wonderful to have such a Florence Nightingale devoted to you in times of need. But what starts as enjoying the feeling of being needed quickly spirals into a desire for dependence.

 

I will concede that being needed is a nice feeling. It is also the first step towards dependence. Where instead of two people spending time together because they mutually enjoy the others company, one person takes on the role of caretaker. When this happens the relationship dynamic transforms from two equals, to one person being in charge or responsible for the other (not to get too Freudian with the parent-child relationship reference). The other individual can respond in one of two ways. They can accept this caretaker role in their partner and take advantage of the situation, constantly demanding more and more attention. Or, they can attempt to return the favor. Unfortunately, if one is obsessed rather than in love they do not want this favor returned. It feels good to do something kind for another person, which is why my friend wants to take care of her sick boyfriend. Not letting him take care of her in return is a huge mistake. It is denying him the opportunity to give back and feel the same joy that she does in the initial giving. When this happens the person can enjoy being treated well and not having to return the favor for a while but eventually both are left unsatisfied. My friend will wonder why he never does nice things, not realizing that she is the culprit for that situation. Her partner will not feel fulfilled in the relationship because all give and take has dissolved. As their relational patterns become routine, he will loose all sense of how to take care of her or meet her needs. If never given the opportunity to practice, how can he hope to learn?

 

There is a line between what is love and what is obsession. By taking the time to step back and observe our lives and our relationships in the big picture, we give ourselves the opportunity not only to fall in love but to be more accepting of loving relationships. Creating traps for ourselves in unions that are not suited to either our ourselves or our partners is a waste of time. Recognizing that obsession will never bring fulfilling mutual satisfaction it is best to end such masochistic bonds in order to pursue the true love that I do believe is waiting for all of us.

 

We are the authors of our own narrative. July 29, 2008

Realization number one, most early blogs strikingly resemble ads for relationships on match.com. No joke, the “I’ve never done this before”, “it’s all so new”, “I don’t know what to say” it’s all the crap you feed a guy during a drunk hook-up. I like this, I don’t want you to stop, just don’t tell your friends I’m easy. Or is it the guy that’s supposed to say all that? Insert, I’m a nice guy, you can trust me, I want to take you out later this week, I promise. You get the idea. But somewhere in the middle we sprint ahead to month three, relatively early in relationship time, and the blog becomes a taxi cab confession. Here’s my worst and most horrible self, you can like it or not. In some chaotic way, that false pseudo-intimacy with strangers, that raw humanity, draws us to one another.

 

In a society driven by technology, new methods to stay connected in fact separate us. Distracting us from the friend in the car, the conversation over dinner, and the very people with whom we choose to spend our time. All in favor of the text, “who could it be?”; the call, “she said what?”; or sometimes just avoiding the neighbors, “can’t talk now, I might be needed in surgery.” Interesting that technology is also the very same force that draws us together. We meet in this false contrived world of intimacy (thank you Al Gore) where you know my deepest and darkest thoughts and not really my name. Unless of course I put it out there, in which case we’re right back to the match.com add for love and affection.

 

Realization number two, we read on and we find that every story comes from somewhere. Every person has something to say. “We are the authors of our own narrative” (thank you Sociology homework). The vices we find familiar in ourselves appear shiny and new when someone else confesses to the same sins. This human condition of accountability unites us. Places, time zones, appropriate attire, all of the limitations between where I end and you begin dissolve and you’ll read. In a quiet cove or a loud café, you’re reading my thoughts, not interrupting or grabbing your cell. You’re silencing the ringer, sipping your mocha, and we commune.  I may be in a meeting, having my hair done, or doing some other rote task you’ll read about in a week; but in this moment we are united. It is in this way that I have shared a piece of myself and you have allowed it to be a part of your day, if only for a brief moment. The magic of positive interruption. It is actually quite beautiful, like all one-sided relationships.