Thoughts on Monogamy November 18, 2009

Basically if people are good to one another and do not have malicious intent then I’m ok with any relationship structure. Speaking to my ideology, any expression of love is inherently positive. Expressing attraction or appreciation for another human being (with consent, appropriate age, etc.) is at its root a good thing. I think when you try to carry on a relationship secretly or mislead another person that is when the situation becomes hurtful and wrong in my opinion. In my mind, long term cheating is a symptom of a larger problem in the relationship or a person. I think what people in non-traditional relationships convey is an open and honest expression of affection that meets their and their partner’s needs. In which case, who are we to judge?

American’s are ridiculously judgmental, unrealistic, and prudish when it comes to sexual politics or morality. When you trap that sexual energy into a politicized, ‘holier than thou’ environment, people get on their soap boxes and start preaching about wrong and right. In a country where over 50% of marriages end in divorce and the majority of us come from ‘broken’ families, it’s time to look around and realize that the ‘perfect’ family does not exist. The ‘perfect’ relationship never existed and the basic revelation that ‘it takes hard work’ is something we already knew and nothing to publish as new thought.

Overwhelmingly Americans are just lazy. To overcome an affair or willful indiscretion takes time, patience, love, and a lot of work. I do not think it is impossible. Europeans are more understanding of flaws in their mates because they do not expect them to be perfect. It is a lot easier in a country where the basic necessities of life are not always guaranteed to appreciate someone for who they are even if they make mistakes. America is a disposable society. If something breaks, we throw it out and buy new. We don’t fix things. We don’t wait it out. We chuck it to the side and find something different. We don’t want to work it out, we assume it will be easier if we start with someone new and demand instant gratification.

The reason people enjoy meeting online, open relationships, and the like is because they don’t want to do the work. It takes a lot to meet and pursue a ‘mate.’ Typically at the end of that pursuit, most people are not in a place where they are ready to commit. They like dating and don’t want to be alone but they realize there are a ton of options out there. In addition to the affordability of travel, access to the internet, and the many opportunities there are in a day to meet someone new, why settle down? This is in many ways a new development because our grandparent’s generation typically grew-up, got a job, met a spouse, had kids, and died in the same twenty mile radius. And if you left where you came from, there was usually one major move and then you spent the rest of you days in that place. Now with so many options and opportunities if you don’t like where you are you can leave. Why wouldn’t we use the same logic in our relationships?

As for my life, I am a romantic but I’ve also been in a lot of messy relationships. So I know that I can forgive pretty much anything and I will stay longer and work harder than is good for me. I can and have dated multiple people at the same time which is entertaining but not really satisfying. At the end of the day, I want someone that truly knows me. Someone I can relate to intellectually, emotionally, and physically. If that lasts forever I would be happy, if it doesn’t I would be happy to have had the experience to learn from. I don’t expect someone to be perfect but I do expect them to try to do things with a loving heart. I want to be able to depend on someone to work as hard as I do toward a common goal and being open to changes in that goal. I like the concept of ‘partners’ someone who is in equal parts responsible for the relationship. And if that’s what people in open or non-traditional relationships have, more power to them.

Modern luxuries January 12, 2009

I live a blissfully naive life. I am truly stunned when watching the news, reading the paper. Simply learning about what other individuals have to live with every day has become horrifying. I can be apathetic or sympathetic towards underprivileged groups and individuals. Yet, I am sincerely amazed and shocked when I see what life is like on the other side. I realize that this is selfish arrogance on my part. The condescending pity of someone who thinks they are above, beyond or removed from the sacrifices, tribulations and absolute misery that exists in life is sincerely disappointing.

The luxury of naiveté to the lack of congruence created by wealth and privilege is a sign of the absolute lunacy that based on social status or birthright some people can separate themselves from the masses. Distinguishing characteristics like shock, abhorrence and pity mark those of us who have led blessed and advantaged lives. These traits are not the only limitations society is forced to tolerate with the presence of those wealthy or blind enough to ignore the suffering and pain that exists in our communities, on our residential streets and in our homes. It has become one more challenge as those with attempt to tell those without what they need to do to improve their lives.

Perhaps the same privilege that enables us to see past the current misery and see a larger picture in the future of happiness, joy and optimism is the very same blinder that keeps us from enjoying the most basic of life’s pleasures. Quiet moments are shattered with the use of flat screen televisions and wii electronic devices. Social interaction is cut to a bare minimum as i-pods and i-phones block out any unplanned or approved conversation. Self knowledge is no longer a sought after goal, instead facebook stalking has turned mainstream society into a vibrant cesspool of he said she said high school-ish banter. When we embrace the fact that conversations via laptop are not always the most intimate and a text message that states “ily” does not translate the same message as a breathy “I love you” whispered softly into your ear. Apathetic emotion is worthless when it is not accompanied by civil, social and personal action.

Though it is convenient and flattering to assume that one is above others because of their economic and social connections, it is far better to presume that indeed we are all the same. And though the tribulations of life may not present themselves on everyone’s sleeves, this does not imply that similar situations do not exist in pleasant houses behind closed doors. Simply because one can afford to shut the world out does not imply that the same problems, passions and devastation do not subsist for this group. It does show how when we think that our problems are private we tend to judge others for their sins more harshly. Selecting a false high horse on which to condescendingly judge others because we feel the issues we have are hidden and therefore we can deny their existence.

Like a fine wine… October 1, 2008

The time it takes for men to mature is simply preposterous. They’ve been telling me since the sixth grade about how women mature more quickly than men. Supposedly, we’re at least five years ahead of where they are emotionally. This is all well and good. Until, you learn in college that men reach their sexual peak at 18. So all the effort you put in to not dating high school boys becomes totally irrelevant because you missed out on what could have been and probably was the best sex of your life. Not that I am embittered by this, because truthfully I am just amazed.

 

What is astounding to me is how the human race has managed to thrive with so many spineless men wandering around. Now, I will concede that I am a fairly intimidating woman and I don’t make it easy. I know this and I accept it. I realize that one should probably be more supportive and not make fun of the guy they’re interested in dating. However, to use a euphemism from my father, ‘the Duke,’ “if you can’t run with the big dogs, it’s better you stay on the porch.” It’s not my job to make dating me easy. It’s your job to rise to the challenge. I find that men in their twenties don’t know how to approach a woman. Most are just crippled by fear or insecurity or what’s worse, their own self absorption and don’t get to know women.

 

However, when men reach their forties or they get married and no longer have that fear of rejection holding them back. Then they’re more than at ease approaching young women, they are fearless. They will twirl you around the middle of the bar with all of their single friends watching. Older married men are fantastic. They know who they’re going home to, they know how to have a good time, and they’re comfortable in their own skin. Tonight, I had cocktails with some men from work. I said, “You spent how much in ten minutes of gambling? I could spend that in two shopping.” He said, “You need a sugar daddy,” I said, “I know I can’t afford me.” He said, “I can!” and we laughed. There’s a sense of comfort and openness in this harmless flirtation. I didn’t feel insulted, he enjoyed the banter, and it’s all in good fun. Something younger men just don’t understand. Too wrapped up in the destination they completely forget to enjoy the ride.

 

Later in the evening, another older man informed me that if I wanted money, I could just marry him and then kill him off. I laughed and told him his proposal was not one of the best I had heard. On my way out of the bar, an gentleman took my hand and complimented my beautiful smile, following that with a request to take me out. I graciously declined his offer. I informed him that I was with the man who not only offered to marry me, but would willingly do so knowing it was his recommendation that I kill him and enjoy his wealth alone. Not that all of this wasn’t fun, but where are the men my age that can do this? Where are the guys who know that you need to tell a girl she looks nice and you need to buy her drinks, not because she makes you but because you want her to enjoy herself. She’s picking out the drink because she wants it, not because she thinks you’ll pay for it. At least that’s how I roll.

 

What kills me is that men my age are overcome with their own self importance and self worth. They’re constantly afraid of women who might be using them for their money. The problem is that they’re twenty-something’s. Even if it’s family money, it’s not yours so truthfully you don’t have that much. Whereas, men who do have money love nothing more than to spend it on a good laugh and a good time with a nice girl. What’s important is not who pays, as so many younger men seem to think. What matters is that you treat a woman like a lady. You let her know you’re interested, and you offer her more than coming up to your place later. Because your place is probably crap compared to where she could be with an older man. You need to offer her time, commitment, your undivided attention, hell offer the girl a drink. Sit down, compliment her smile, ask if you can see her again and don’t constantly wonder or question yourself. Confidence is sexy.

 

Maybe it’s the income that comes with advanced years or advanced professional position that gives older men that extra chutzpah to approach a younger woman. People wonder why so many young women choose to date older men, well from my experience they’re the only ones with the courage to approach. Older men call, they bring presents, cards, little notes, they take you to lunch. They don’t care if what you say makes sense, or if you’re wearing sweatpants, they think you’re lovely, they tell you so, and they don’t mind sharing you with the world because they’re holding your coat. They know you’ll be back. They tell you they love you, they kiss your cheek, and they walk you to your car. They know that courtship is important, that it isn’t always a race to the bedroom (though they’d like to take you there too), they realize that the best way to get there is to lay the groundwork before you lay the girl. Because sex is fleeting, flirtation is forever.

 

Older men know the simple pleasures of resting their hand on your knee when they talk, they know the ecstatic joy of making a woman laugh out loud, and they know they could romance twelve other women the same way right in front of you and you’ll still love them for it. They don’t play the game of ‘I’m not paying attention if you’re not paying attention’, they aren’t insecure if you make more than them, they find confidence and aggression sexy and they remember silly things to make you laugh. Older men are wise enough to realize that it doesn’t matter; how old they are, what they look like, where they live, where they work, how much money they have, if they know how to treat a woman, she’s not going anywhere. Hell, there’s nowhere else to go! They are not afraid to put themselves out there knowing you could say no or what seems to be the greatest fear of the twenty something male, you could say yes.

Women by Label September 20, 2008

Women of the world raise your right hand. We use this hand to pledge allegiance, to shake hands, to high five, and now to assert our independence (thank you DeBeers). We are terrified to attach ourselves to political labels and yet we are surrounded and consumed by mass media and marketing labels. Women today carry and wear; Coach, Louis Vuitton, Vera Bradley, Baby Phat, Chanel. These labels define; class, age, social standing, and wealth. How many, what color, do they match the outfit and season are all distinguishing characteristics to allow strangers to evaluate each other. How frequently do we procure new clothes, designers, and labels that not only litter our closets but define who and what we are to the rest of the world? These flat representations of self are no longer the accessory; they have become the main attraction.

 

There is less and less introspection regarding personal beliefs and values. Americans are taking the easy route. Rather than question and define themselves, women are saved the trouble by their peers, billboards, television, and internet advertising. Do you want to be professional? The answer is to dress like this character from your favorite film. Would you like to be considered attractive to the opposite sex? Watch this video and you’ll see how it’s done. Personal relationships shallow as individuals seek out someone to fit a mold, perform the perfunctory relationship perks, and disappear when they are no longer needed. True appreciation of a person, brand, or idea is destroyed.

 

It has become all too easy to look at only the face value (it’s a pun) and disregard the substance. The question, “Do I really want that purse, is it well made?” is not asked because women do not buy the purse based on its quality. They buy the purse to fit in, to look like their friends, or to stand out as someone who can afford such an item. Labels are more important than the item they represent. The same is transferred into personal relationships. Women rarely ask, “Do I really care for this person, are we compatible?” They are taking the time to establish; how do other women react when we walk by, does he look good on paper, are his qualifications impressive to parents, employers, and peers. Mainly they are considering, if this were a competition (which many attempt to make relationships seem as if they are) would he be a trophy or a conciliation prize. All of these standards are created to advertise a brand but discourages the woman from distinguishing her own identifying brand. She is a person who carries this bag and dates this sort of guy. The value of her partner is entirely based on appearances. Last season was blonde and muscular, this fall sandy brown hair and tortoiseshell frames. The relationship is based on limited interaction. This is done intentionally to avoid getting to really know the partner.

 

Expressions like “friends with benefits” stem from this type of relationship. The union is based on the idea that two people can share physical intimacy without becoming emotionally intimate. A bond that exists until one partner locates a more suitable companion worthy to advertise publicly. As relationships of this variety become the norm, the expectations of partners in a relationship decline sharply. The patterns traditional relationships follow towards greater intimacy are gone. Immediate gratification has a significantly higher value than long term investment. The commitment implied in relationships and dating is taken lightly as more and more individuals enter shallow relationships to maintain a hassle free lifestyle.

 

In order to transition to the newest model once it comes out, women are not allowing themselves to experience fulfilling relationships with value. A bond of this quality demands a level of give and take that they are not prepared to accept. They distance themselves from partners in order to sustain an image of independence. Truthfully, it’s simple pride. They ultimately refuse to admit a desire to know a partner more intimately as this may be interpreted as a sign of weakness. They play emotional games that inevitably cause more harm to themselves than those they imagine they are manipulating. Decision making driven by the mass media and popular culture, creates an environment wherein women are not satisfying their personal needs, many are unaware of what their individual needs are as no one can tell them. Women consistently pursue a stereotype of who they should or specifically should not be with in relationships. Demanding that others recognize and appreciate their partner as they would a new bag or pair of Manolos, as a show piece rather than as a person.

 

Increasing numbers of long distance long term relationships show that people are comfortable with the crutch. Being in a relationship that demands no real commitment, with a person they do not share time and daily life, individuals can claim that they are not emotionally immature. However, the very existence of such unions further exemplifies the refusal of modern women to honestly commit. How close can a couple be when either partner is incapable or unwilling to actually know the other? The long distance long term relationship is also a powerful show piece as peers recognize the length of time individuals claim to be ‘together’ and reward that by suggesting they are knowledgeable or well versed in relating to other human beings. Truthfully the relationship is most typically a compilation of images and imagined relational beliefs in their compatibility with someone they don’t really know. Much like the attraction to purses that women don’t know the quality or background of the brand or fashion house.

 

Knowing the body of an artist’s work enables dealers to appreciate and understand the meaning behind the creation. When women select bags and accessories based on trends, it shows how little they are willing to look deeper and also how shallow their appreciation for the designer’s work has truly become. Women judge one another using standards based in ignorance of the true creative talent required to construct a fashionable item or to understand the depth and personal quirks of their partner. Women have initiated a standard that to wear the same uniform and date the same partner is to be included. Rather than customizing their look or their preference in partners, women have become too lazy to do the work and are henceforth doomed to spend their lives looking like idiots dating the bland guys that only checked that their jacket said North Face and not if they held the same values that made them stand out.

 

This means that the majority of the population will go unappreciated. While the rest of the actually interesting people are milling about wondering why they can’t seem to find a partner of substance that accepts and challenges them. It’s a form of art appreciation to study the fashions we wear, bags we carry, and people with whom we surround ourselves. Tying ourselves to brands we do not understand and therefore cannot fully appreciate, only wastes valuable time and energy as it only further emphasizes our lack of creativity. It does leave the good stuff for those of us who are paying attention…which is a pretty nice benefit, if I do say so myself.

Gemba Kaizen September 20, 2008

Sin and evil exist in the world, free will grants us the ability to react and act based on our experiences. The fortune to have good things happen to us is both a help and a hindrance. Though there may not be the calluses on my hands from hard labor, the premature aging that comes of learning too much too young, or the unfortunate lackluster gaze of someone who knows that life has nothing to offer them. I am tasked with being given many things, things for which I must spend the rest of my life paying back.

 

The feeling of owing a debt is unpleasant. The debt is not material. It is entirely shaped by a Catholic conscience and gentle reminders from my Grandparents but it feels more real than many of my actual financial debts. It isn’t going to go away with a particular number of checks or within an established timeframe. It is the belief that there are capabilities that I have because of my background, my experiences, my intelligence and my knowledge that no one else will bring to the world. It sounds entirely conceited and self-impressed but when only 1% of the world’s population attends college and as the cost of higher education escalates yearly, the access that I have had in my privileged life will not be available to all people. It is the responsibility of those that have to reach out to those that do not in order to teach, share information and potentially create new pathways for others to succeed.

 

This is not a new theory. It is actually a historical practice. The sharing of religion, literacy and news has its roots not only in missionary works but in the understanding that the haves must help the have nots. Making books, transportation and education available through public assistance is based in civic duty and the sociological agreement that all people are deserving of the same access to rights, goods and privileges. However, as has been the standard throughout history there are now and will always be those individuals that have more. It is the responsibility of those that have to not only work to satisfy their own needs but to help others do the same. It is not patronizing or based in conceit but rather an appreciation for the gifts we have been given combined with the understanding that it becomes your duty by default if not by choice to give back. The goal is to create new avenues or strengthen bonds to enable underprivileged groups to achieve.

 

The inverse of this relationship is that those that do not have access or privilege must be willing to learn. The investment of time and energy in programs and people is significant. Working with those that are not interested or open to new experience or constructive criticism will only frustrate both actors. Therefore one of the first and foremost objectives of positive action for the benefit of society is determining what causes one is passionate about and what groups or individuals are going to contribute to the success of such a project. The coupling of interested parties and positive intent is not perfect but it often provides for the best possible outcome. My personal challenge is that I am passionate about so many topics it is difficult to select only one to support and if I decide to do too many, I run the risk of spreading myself too thin and not doing well with any. Perhaps this is my hurdle, but it may also be my strength as I pursue my own goals by working smarter rather than harder I may be able to make a larger impact than I realized before.

Folly in Friendship September 9, 2008

I have noticed a surprising (at least to me) number of women I know, are lacking confidence. This apparently is common; however the choice to take that feeling and turn it into negative aggression towards other women is new to me. I believe in the value of female companionship. I think friendship is another type of love and those who are careless with such relationships should be reminded of their importance. I understand feeling less than perfect or having a tough time with self esteem. But the honest to goodness ‘can’t calm my psychosis because I’m too intimidated and self aware’ sort of behavior is unacceptable. It’s mainly because I don’t often care much about what other people do or think. It is in this way that I am uncommon and I realize that this opinion is in many ways contrary to what most women experience. I feel the choices we make in our personal lives are our own and what happens therein is not my duty to question, judge, or even really know much about. And yet, other women seem obsessed by what other people are doing, who they are dating, what they said to whom. I want to quantify my statement by saying that I am not friends with sixth graders. I am talking about educated, intellectual, gainfully employed, independently established, and upwardly mobile middle class women. Though we are in our early twenties, it is reasonable to demand a higher level of maturity that seems to be falling by the wayside in modern women.

 

These women attempt to transfer their inadequacies onto other topics as a diversion. This I do not mind in the least. By all means, take your aggression out on inanimate objects, spaces, and traffic. What bothers me is when women friends think they have the right to ask others to not be themselves, in order for them to feel better. This, to me, is not friendship. It is wrong to ask another person not to be herself. If you truly liked me for who I am and valued me as a person, you wouldn’t want to change these individual qualities. I will not attempt to be a wallflower so someone else can feel good. First of all, I don’t want to. Secondly, I would never ask a person not to be the best version of themselves, why would I let them ask that of me? That is entirely out of line. If you need me to be less in order to feel like more yourself, then that is a self esteem issue that you must deal with and I can’t make better.

 

As a side note, if the man you are dating or considering for such a role is distracted by other women so easily, do you really want to be with him? I believe in relationships there is a certain element of chemistry and mutual interest. If that exists between two people then nothing is going to break that bond. If that does not exist between two people, no matter how much your friends downplay their best qualities it’s not going to change that dynamic. Now having the insecurity is not a problem, everyone has similar feelings from time to time. Insecurity becomes a problem when you allow that fear to alter the way in which you see and react to the world. When a woman feels so threatened that she feels she must lash out and say cruel and hurtful things in order to make herself better, I think it’s inappropriate. It’s a personal problem, deal with it.

 

It is rude, inconsiderate, and shallow to ask a friend to be less than she is naturally. I am a person who has a good time and enjoys life. If you must find a way to knock me down so you feel taller, then the problem is not with me, it’s with you. I am not angered by the cruel and hurtful comments. I am disappointed because I feel you are not friends with a person if you cannot trust them. You befriend people of value who contribute positively to your life. What is the point in spending time with people you do not trust?

 

I will always firmly believe in the necessity and importance of open communication. Simply talking through the situation makes so much more sense than manipulating, conniving, and yelling. The value of truth and honesty between friends is paramount. Because when we support our friends they in turn support us and in so doing we strengthen that bond and loyalty.

 

The basic underlying factor is mutual respect. If insecurity has taken such a toll on your worldview, then perhaps there is some inner searching you need to complete. I realize I am unique. I believe that in a relationship you should be open. I want my partner to be friends with my friends. I want him to be able to talk with my women friends, share jokes, and openly communicate. I don’t believe that by locking a person away from friends and acquaintances you strengthen your bond. Your justification for confidence in the other person and the relationship is revealed when in situations demanding tact and social interactions with the opposite sex occur. Even Repunzel, locked away in her town found a way to get a man in her bedroom. Actually, if you read the actual story, she also had premarital sex and two illegitimate children, but that is an entirely different tale. The point is that it is difficult enough to be a single woman. Do we really need to cut one another down in order to show our sparkle? I would argue that no, we are modern women. We are the independent and critical thinkers of our day. What is most important is self-awareness and introspection. We have to know ourselves before we can hope to let someone else in. Let’s not be petty. The direction we need to look is inward and realize that you shine because of who you are, not by the company you keep. The partners we choose should be looking for such a quality. Do not settle for someone who is distracted by the next pretty face, choose and love men who see your unique glow and truly value who you are not how you compare to those around you.

Abstinence Only Education August 20, 2008

Though children do not drive, we still tell them to wear seatbelts. It stands to reason that though they will not drive today, this valuable lesson can save their lives. The lesson behind this analogy can be applied to Abstinence Only Education Programs in the United States. We hold the highest hopes that our children are not having sexual intercourse before marriage; however it is best to inform them of the safety precautions available as this information can also save their lives. It is best that when a knowing eye is not watching, as it cannot always be, children have the basic knowledge of how to protect themselves, even if they choose to partake in risky behavior.

There exists a significant difference between endorsing premarital sex and endorsing risky behavior and choices. People do not need to drink, smoke, or use drugs to survive. Sexuality is a symptom of the human condition. By preaching abstinence we are not encouraging values, we are asking our children to deny a part of themselves, their sexuality. Abstinence Only Education Programs teach children to refrain from sexual intercourse until marriage. The United States spent 141 million dollars in fiscal year 2008 on abstinence only education. It is interesting to note that, “a congressionally mandated study conducted by Mathematica Policy Research, Inc that showed students are just as likely to engage in sexual activity whether or not they participate in abstinence-education programs”[1]. With this investment, the rate of teen pregnancy in the United States is significantly higher than most other developed countries[2]. Studies also show, that the rate of teen pregnancy in schools that only utilize abstinence only teaching are similar to those schools where students were given further information. The significance lies in the availability and information on options for contraception and healthful protection. Abstinence-only sex education became more prominent in the U.S. over the last decade stimulated by over $1 billion in federal funding[3]. However, few long-term, rigorous studies have been done on these programs, and their effectiveness remains a matter of question… What is in dispute is whether abstinence-only sex education actually succeeds in increasing abstinence[4]. Public schools are not teaching children about masturbation or protected sex, we give students only one option to consider in the classroom when unfortunately the rest of the world bombards them with contradictory information.

Teen pregnancy is a symptom of larger social ills rather than the root cause, however it is important to understand the difference between what children are doing and why they are doing it.  They are not falling in love at younger ages and choosing to have sex to express that affection.  The choice to have sex has become more about bragging rights or social standing than about an expression of love and affection. Young men who do not get good grades, do not excel in extracurricular activities, or perform well at an after school job lack avenues to gage self worth. The current trend is to use sex and pregnancy as a method to demonstrate their successes. A young man who may not have any other opportunity to show his achievement, uses a pregnant partner as proof that he is both able to have a child and desirable to the opposite sex. The significant word here is “uses” because the interaction between the sexes is still underdeveloped. Rather than sharing values, responsibilities, or a sense of humor; the relationship element is removed. Young people are no longer learning about themselves or each other through adolescent relationships, they are treating one another as inanimate objects with no feeling or intrinsic value.

Young women are having sex to show that they are desirable and the presence of a child in some schools is a badge of honor. The child is proof that the young woman is desirable and therefore popular. In Lorain (Ohio) city schools, conversation of the 5^th grade girls exemplifies this misguided value system. Female students frequently argue over who has had sex first. The winning argument in a particular case, “Well it don’t matter, I’ll still be the first one to have sex before I get my period.” This declaration clearly exemplifies a disconnect between the value of attention and self worth. Female students (9 to 10 years old) see no difference between positive attention and negative attention. Seeking only the ends they do not consider the means. This group does not realize, nor do they have access to positive examples of adult love and affection. Starved for affection they see sex as an opportunity to prove their worth, rather than seeing it as an expression of love to be shared with someone they truly care about. Boys are not even mentioned, which shows that there is no tie between sex and a person. The act has become removed from both the self and the sharing of the physical body to demonstrate emotional love or even basic affection.

In children’s minds the act of sex has nothing to do with emotion, particular individuals, or even sexual satisfaction. Sex is a tool that is used to win a competition. The problem with this competition is that no one wins. There is no sharing between the boy and girl beyond bodily fluids. There is no mention of protected sex which further increases the likelihood of early pregnancy or contraction of sexually transmitted diseases. There is also no discussion of wants and needs. Sex has been reduced to a flat example of experience rather than a desire to learn more about another person or one’s self. This in turn practically guarantees that the experience will be unpleasant at best, which takes away from the enjoyment of the act but also the opportunity to attach greater value to the event.

By suggesting that abstinence is the only answer educators and parents are loosing a valuable opportunity for open conversation with children. We know children naturally test their limits, by being the only silent voice we are not giving them the opportunity to make educated decisions. We are taking away their access to information, which they have proven repeatedly that they will seek out. Sex is glorified in today’s society, however sex as an exhibition of titillating primarily male focused stereotypes. The deeper meaning behind the act is distinctly separated from the expression of sexiness, provocative language or dress, and the illusion of seduction. Replicating this popular image has taken center stage, whereas a fulfilling sexual experience becomes secondary to looking the part. With schools only providing an abstract concept of “good” or “right” behavior, we are denying the reality in which our children grow up.

Young girls glorifying sex are not the ideal role models for our children. This teaches female children that their value is only in their physical appearance, provocative dress, or ability to produce children. It teaches male children to objectify women and only value what can be gained from them physically. As voters it is our responsibility to provide the greatest and most balanced education for our children. We cannot ask our children to stay in school, pursue competitive careers, or make a difference in their communities if they are busy raising their own children due to our negligence.

Legislation is needed to revise the outdated, paternalistic, and religious right interpretation of health education in our public schools. By not informing our children of how pregnancy occurs, what the consequences of their actions may be, or what they can do to take precautions; we are asking them to find their own answers. A quarter of teens aged 15 to 17 have not discussed sex with a parent or guardian[5]. Every day our children’s minds are saturated with advertisements and subliminal messaging that tells them that it is expected and acceptable to attach interpretations of self worth to physical appearance, that the expression of sexual images is more important that the sharing of thoughts, friendship, or ideas, and that sex is an activity in which anyone can partake. The inverse information is not advertised with the same intensity. Data revealing that one in four sexually active teenagers will contract an STD[6]. We do children in this country a great disservice by not providing them with access to open conversation and the availability of healthful protection for those that choose to become sexually active. Though they will ride in cars with or without parental supervision, we encourage them to buckle up. We need to offer the same guidance to children and provide safe sex education in our public schools.

 

For further information:

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8470845/

http://www.slate.com/id/2140985/

http://www.religionandsocialpolicy.org/news/article.cfm?id=6632

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[1] http://www.religionandsocialpolicy.org/news/article.cfm?id=6632

[2] http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3201400.pdf; http://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/pdf/repcard3e.pdf

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abstinence-only_sex_education

[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abstinence-only_sex_education

[5] http://www.kff.org/womenshealth/upload/3040-03.pdf

[6] http://www.kff.org/womenshealth/upload/3040-03.pdf

Nonconformist Recommendation August 19, 2008

I hate straight lines in landscapes. The “right” angles become ever patterned grids that allow no scope for the imagination or creativity. It used to be a comfort knowing how to get there only turning left or right, now it just seems boring and redundant. I want a challenge, an interesting view, strange corners and alleys I’ve never seen before. Life is not the organized graph paper American cities and suburban sprawl try to make it.  I long for the waving stone fences of Ireland, the irreverent mish mosh of streets in Rome, French wine country where vines revolt against their ordered lines fighting for sun much like the political protest and militant joie-de-vivre of the French people. Order and organization have their time and place; it is not on the landscape or in our neighborhoods. Gardens should be unwieldy. Children should run wild like vines. Directions should not just be rights and lefts; there need to be turnarounds, twists, and the inability to get there from here. Like our lives, we should be able to mind the gap but still forge our own way.

 

The image of conformity and uniforms as utopian must be destroyed. The middle class lacks creativity. With faux snobbery and silly pride so many Americans let their imaginations die. Striving to fit in, individuality is sacrificed on the altar of groupthink and assimilation. We must branch out or we will die. We cannot all be the same person or some version of a stereotypical individual. The direct lines of the Third Reich were destroyed by the allies’ ability to adapt, to devise new methods, to creatively attack from another direction. As Americans we must use this same ingenuity to change our country’s maps to reflect rolling plains, fierce mountains, and roaring rivers. Let us not fall victim to being agreeable and likewise. Instead let’s fight not only on paper but in our daily lives, let us be ourselves and proud of the differences that make our world interesting.