I am a flirt. I have tendency to flirt with every man in the room. This makes for some great stories, wild adventures, and the assurance that my glass is never empty. At first this sounds like a fairly excellent plan. However, when one is occupying their time seducing the room and not any one individual, two things occur. No single man feels special and therefore none pursue me because each assumes I am interested in the other. The second factor is that no man is given the opportunity to seduce me. In fact, it is the antithesis to all potential future dating. What I do is harmless and entertaining and yet it brings only temporary satisfaction and typically results in failed emotional connections.
If all men in the room are seduced equally they each assume they are nothing remarkable or special and do not pursue. If they believe they actually have a chance they put forth effort. This can be entertaining. But inevitably they cancel each other out. I cannot devote all of my time to a single person when attempting to seduce an entire room. What is wonderful is that this arrangement is satisfactory both to myself and the men involved. In worst case scenario no one involved is misled or harmed by this tame interaction.
Each man gets to a point of endearing closeness, but inevitably we have not reached real intimacy. As all the men in the room have been buying drinks, dancing, and putting their best show on, I am guaranteed to have a great night. I am also guaranteed to not be tempted to go home with any of them. I have given none of them the opportunity to woo me specifically and have led none of them to believe that have been seduced by them specifically. Therefore my attachment is to the attention and the show, not to the individual. They are not given the emotional commitment of a long conversation but rather enjoy lighthearted party banter. This can be exciting and enjoyable for both myself and the men involved. However it is not conducive to producing an adult relationship.
If everyone is kept at a comfortable distance no one truly gets to know each other. This was developed as a basic act of self-preservation on my part. It assures that I am always wanted more and never known well enough to be hurt. To learn this dance has taken years of precision, development, and obviously trial and error. I have been hurt in fact many of my past relationships consisted of little else. Typically this happens because the personality I portray and the individual that I really am are two very different people.
I am able to be the life of the party and turned on, so to speak, when there is an opportunity or need. In my day to day life I enjoy spending my time quiet, relaxed, and actually would rather go to dinner and a movie than a fundraising event. At parties and dinners I prefer my date to take the lead. I enjoy making sassy commentary to the person next to me but want the spotlight on the people I am with rather than myself. This makes dating difficult because typically the people who are drawn to the party persona want me to be that focal point. These men want me to pursue them and want to be taken care of in the relationship.
I go through a number of long and drawn out break-ups because I can and do interchange between the two personalities. Once the party is over and I am comfortable being my quieter self. A person who enjoys a boisterous and outgoing woman is usually less attracted to me as a mild mannered and more conservative woman. This is not a fantastic revelation. What can be hurtful is that I am not the wild and boisterous person they were initially drawn towards. I am also dissatisfied because I want that person to switch gears and take the lead so I can relax and quietly observe. Unfortunately, this change comes as a surprise and many men are not the foil I need.
I can see how it is disconcerting to begin dating a person believing them to be one way and having to discover they are someone else entirely. It is my fault. I can’t hold these men accountable because I introduced them to the party persona and kept them at a safe distance. However, upon reaching the level of intimacy where I begin to open up and reveal my true self they are confused. Now they are having the exact opposite feeling. They thought they knew and understood who and what I was like, only to discover that the intimacy they had acquired over our courtship is suddenly a lie. I am not the person they had grown accustomed to spending time with and liked very much.
My Auntie’s rules of dating should have taught me about this issue long ago. She argues that standards for the relationship are set in the first three to five dates, if not the first or second. If he takes you out for McDonalds and you accept a second date, he knows he doesn’t need to take you nice places or buy you gifts. You are a cheap date. If he takes you out for lobster and you accept a second date, he knows you expect to be treated well. If you have sex on the first date, he knows you’re easy. Potentially future dates are just bootie-calls. These are fairly fluid but as I am 25 and single I think it’s fair to say that I have tried all three and basically if you date a man, odds are it can devolve into just sex regardless of where you start. It can also grow into something more if and when you are ready to be open and honest with who you truly are in all settings. I’m working on that every day.
What I have learned in the year that has passed since I wrote this piece is that being both halves is important. Being the life of the party and the quiet Sunday afternoon girl are important because both are me. I am not just one or the other. And anyone who expects me to behave as anything less than the multifaceted crystal that I am is not worth the effort. If I have to explain why I am the way I am more than how I got to be who I am, it’s not going to work. The other important lesson I’ve taken away is that being chatty and a flirt is fun, in a way it’s the speed dating of the party circuit. I’ve tried a few random conversations with most of the people I meet. I’ve shared opinions and they’ve shared their thoughts. I have already learned what a first or second date is meant to teach me, if I’d like a third or fourth. It makes sense to test the waters and spend time with many different men because only then can you hone your tastes and figure out what you really want. It has helped me find what men don’t work for me and which men really do. That and it sure as hell beats sleeping with them all.
