Imagination is a powerful tool. It can make a person believe almost anything is true. What’s so tricky is that the more you want to believe something, the more powerful your imagination becomes. You can look at all the facts and you can still think that something never happened or that it occurred differently. So much energy is wasted remaking reality. All the signs are there, you just ignore them. You thought that when your boss said your name and promotion in the same conversation, it meant that you would be getting the promotion. You believed a relationship that didn’t fit your needs from the beginning would last. The flaws poke out like misplaced hairs refusing to be shellacked into place with water, will or gel. And yet what we want overwhelms what we know and we fall into a way of thinking that shields us from reality so that what we hope becomes the truth.
I knew it was love when I realized that I had no control over him or myself and what we were feeling and I didn’t care. It was like a leap of faith towards a bottomless pit. I didn’t know if he was going to catch me but I realized that I didn’t care. If I didn’t take this chance on him I’d regret it for the rest of my life. So I have taken the chance, made the leap and I was wrong. He was only what I imagined and nothing more. He was not what I needed.
I’m not in love with him anymore. I know what I felt, enough to know that I don’t feel it anymore. I used to revel in the moments of uncertainty, laugh at myself and my situation. Letting go of a life that I had planned is difficult. And yet, I can’t seem to hate him. I don’t have the energy to muster revulsion or anger. I’m not yet indifferent but am coming closer to it each day. The foundation I built my dreams on was weak and false. I am reminded of this fact as he repeatedly makes me question how much of our compatibility and his greatness was completely in my head. The human mind is a powerful tool and I wonder if I have not wielded this strength negatively. Using my own imagination to fool myself into believing that I have been in love with and loved by the man of my dreams. I see so many mistakes along the way now. I wonder if I will ever rectify these errors. They say that more harm is caused through indecision than wrong decision. Perhaps the most harm comes of wishing to believe our imaginary lives more than the real world.
