In a perfect world you would understand your own feelings. You would always know what and who you want to be and how to get there. You would know what people wanted and how to make them want you. Maybe in this Utopia everyone would just understand and appreciate their differences. But this is not a perfect world and I seem to have fewer days where I understand what I want and need than not. We’re not perfect. We have not led perfectly honest and wholesome lives. Why do we feed on the misfortune of others? It is as if as a species we crave malfunction and drama when many of us could just look into our own homes and see our personal soap operas unfold. But instead, we project the negative energy outward.
I hate when that happens. I hate when perfectly good days are ruined by insecurity, false hope or a lack of trust. I don’t know why people do the things they do. I have seen, so many times, the destructive and horrible things people can do to one another. I have been hurt by people who have called themselves my friends. Unfortunately, I foolishly believed that other people felt as I did, live as I do and attempt first to do no harm. Sadly, people do not seek to commit kind acts unto others or generously live. Many of the individuals that I have met or spent time with over the past two years have very little ethical or moral fiber. Searching for the next temporary high, they do whatever it takes to feel good for a moment. They do not consider the pain they are causing or the impact of their actions.
There is more negativity surrounding the choices and decisions that people make and yet I am guilty of the same behavior. I don’t understand myself and most certainly don’t understand other people. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going and yet I attempt to paint others into organized boxes of friend or foe, kind or cruel and trusting or trustworthy. It’s never easy to determine what your calling in life ought to be, it is far simpler to look out and judge those you do not know or attack them for their flaws. I would like to be a person who is able to see and appreciate the grey areas. Who does not constantly strive for perfection in herself or in others. Who sees what good and bad all people are capable of doing and does not live in fear that there will be more of the second. It is a tricky balance between guarding one’s inner sanctum and self while also being open to life’s experiences and the relationships we share with other people.
