imperfection April 6, 2009

In a perfect world you would understand your own feelings. You would always know what and who you want to be and how to get there. You would know what people wanted and how to make them want you. Maybe in this Utopia everyone would just understand and appreciate their differences. But this is not a perfect world and I seem to have fewer days where I understand what I want and need than not. We’re not perfect. We have not led perfectly honest and wholesome lives. Why do we feed on the misfortune of others? It is as if as a species we crave malfunction and drama when many of us could just look into our own homes and see our personal soap operas unfold. But instead, we project the negative energy outward.

I hate when that happens. I hate when perfectly good days are ruined by insecurity, false hope or a lack of trust. I don’t know why people do the things they do. I have seen, so many times, the destructive and horrible things people can do to one another. I have been hurt by people who have called themselves my friends. Unfortunately, I foolishly believed that other people felt as I did, live as I do and attempt first to do no harm. Sadly, people do not seek to commit kind acts unto others or generously live. Many of the individuals that I have met or spent time with over the past two years have very little ethical or moral fiber. Searching for the next temporary high, they do whatever it takes to feel good for a moment. They do not consider the pain they are causing or the impact of their actions.

There is more negativity surrounding the choices and decisions that people make and yet I am guilty of the same behavior. I don’t understand myself and most certainly don’t understand other people. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going and yet I attempt to paint others into organized boxes of friend or foe, kind or cruel and trusting or trustworthy. It’s never easy to determine what your calling in life ought to be, it is far simpler to look out and judge those you do not know or attack them for their flaws. I would like to be a person who is able to see and appreciate the grey areas. Who does not constantly strive for perfection in herself or in others. Who sees what good and bad all people are capable of doing and does not live in fear that there will be more of the second. It is a tricky balance between guarding one’s inner sanctum and self while also being open to life’s experiences and the relationships we share with other people.

Letting go of what never was April 6, 2009

Imagination is a powerful tool. It can make a person believe almost anything is true. What’s so tricky is that the more you want to believe something, the more powerful your imagination becomes. You can look at all the facts and you can still think that something never happened or that it occurred differently. So much energy is wasted remaking reality. All the signs are there, you just ignore them. You thought that when your boss said your name and promotion in the same conversation, it meant that you would be getting the promotion. You believed a relationship that didn’t fit your needs from the beginning would last. The flaws poke out like misplaced hairs refusing to be shellacked into place with water, will or gel. And yet what we want overwhelms what we know and we fall into a way of thinking that shields us from reality so that what we hope becomes the truth.

I knew it was love when I realized that I had no control over him or myself and what we were feeling and I didn’t care. It was like a leap of faith towards a bottomless pit. I didn’t know if he was going to catch me but I realized that I didn’t care. If I didn’t take this chance on him I’d regret it for the rest of my life. So I have taken the chance, made the leap and I was wrong. He was only what I imagined and nothing more. He was not what I needed.

I’m not in love with him anymore. I know what I felt, enough to know that I don’t feel it anymore. I used to revel in the moments of uncertainty, laugh at myself and my situation. Letting go of a life that I had planned is difficult. And yet, I can’t seem to hate him. I don’t have the energy to muster revulsion or anger. I’m not yet indifferent but am coming closer to it each day. The foundation I built my dreams on was weak and false. I am reminded of this fact as he repeatedly makes me question how much of our compatibility and his greatness was completely in my head. The human mind is a powerful tool and I wonder if I have not wielded this strength negatively. Using my own imagination to fool myself into believing that I have been in love with and loved by the man of my dreams. I see so many mistakes along the way now. I wonder if I will ever rectify these errors. They say that more harm is caused through indecision than wrong decision. Perhaps the most harm comes of wishing to believe our imaginary lives more than the real world.