January 15, 2009

Carlton,

Thank you very much for your response. I put some thought into your comment and have some opinions of my own I would like to share. It’s not a personal attack at all, I’m a firm believer in learning from others. If I only surround myself with individuals who agree I’ll never learn a new way of seeing the world. I appreciate your reading the blog and responding, I think it is truly a great opportunity to open the dialogue. I think talking about what is wrong is the first step, working out how to fix it stems from there. Here are some of my thoughts:

Clinton balanced the budget, he did not have spare change from the dot com revolution. The money the Bush Administration has spent is money we don’t have now and did not have then. We’re about $455 billion in debt at this point, debt that countries like China are buying up. If I were making a list of countries I would like to be indebted to, China would not be in my top ten. Therefore I might consider as a country incurring this debt we should slow down and stop spending so recklessly.

I am a fan of bipartisanship. I believe the attempt being made by congressional leaders in support of the bailout was to get banks to cooperate with one another in order to help them help their customers. Is this a trickle down approach yes. However, I think when you suggest giving funding directly to citizens you enter into an entirely different debate on who gets what; how much to families in city A, what is considered a “family” unit or creating fair balances between income levels, fluctuating housing values, and what constitutes a fair amount because you can’t give the same amount of money to families across the board. Some have more children, some have smaller houses, and I think it’s appropriate to consider that the cost of housing is much different in Des Moins, Iowa than it is in Los Angeles. I would also like to point out that I don’t think it was the best idea regardless of its political support base.

I do know a thing or two about the economy. I realize presidents have little to no impact directly on the economy. In fact, free market economies don’t recognize the difference between presidents and citizens, they recognize buyers and sellers. Presidents and political parties have great impact on the budget. The budget determines what the U.S. will spend its money on and what it won’t. There is no more or less, there is only option a or option b. If the government spends 100 percent of its money on option a, there is nothing left over for option b. If the government spends 60 percent of its income on option a there is 40 percent remaining to spend on option b or option c, etc. Therefore, as the government continues to spend vast amounts of its income on this war that leaves very little income to distribute to other programs like health care, technology etc.

Yes, loans were given out to poor candidates during the 1990’s. This was done by companies like Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, in order to encourage people to buy homes and invest. Loans were given with exceptionally low rates to individuals that these companies wittingly knew could not pay. To simplify, lenders sold and resold these properties that were worth $5 initially, and then enabled individuals to borrow against the initial value which led to the creation of $8 of debt for a property that was only worth $5. The $3 did not exist and therefore has created a problem for parties repaying and holding these loans as no one can come up the $3 non-existant dollars that were bought and resold so many times it becomes impossible to track. Though I will grant you that politicians have little control over the economy, they do control regulation. The ability of Freddy Mac and Fannie Mae to not only create this loophole, abuse it significantly and then receive a government bailout is rediculous. The responsibility of our public leaders is to assure that companies do not abuse their power, create monopolies and take advantage of U.S. citizens. The need for reform and for reformers who are willing to pay attention to what is needed by the people, not just corporations, is what I believe is necessary to improve our current state of affairs.

What Happens When… January 13, 2009

When starships collide,

In polite suicide,

And their parts do decide

To begin falling to sea

When oceans grow dim

In the moonlight we swim

When among all the din

The parts do arrive

As the explosions burst out

With their most violent clout

The ship now more stout

Floats under the sea

Then it floats to the bottom

The Coast Guard has got’em

Suddenly silence is then a hum

No passengers were left alive

Lest Ye Be Judged January 13, 2009

The silly façade of perfection drenches the apartment today. We’re making believe and putting on costumes to convince someone, just as imperfect as we are that we’re something we’re not. Something more than we are in reality. Just as my roommate’s mother pretends something she’s not, she wants the rest of us to fall either into the category of snob or pitied. The illusioned world, some call reality is all too fake and menial for my taste. The insignificance of it all is overwhelming. Regardless of what happens we’ll all be judged for something.

There will be fault and guilt assigned. But today I do not care. I’m forcing my reality into its place and regardless of how much I want to make my bed, I’m waiting until after the visit. I’m leaving my laundry on the floor. I’m keeping the closet door off its hinge and I’m not straightening my dresser. Shoes will stay where I take them off, book-bag where I threw it. I am not impressing anyone. I hope to God I disgust her. My goal today is not to be proverbially perfect but to repulse and anger. To irk through seemingly simple carelessness when it is all intentional, I want her to be annoyed. I want this woman who looks down on me and my friends as below her daughter to see what she’s looking for, we live in filth. We are horrible human beings, hell-bent on teaching her daughter lowbrow jokes and how to offend her family. Today she will find what she’s looking for and I hope it gives her no satisfaction. I know she will be just as miserable when she leaves as when she came, there will be no pleasantries or kind remarks. Perhaps I’m making this more difficult on her daughter, perhaps I am that poor influence and maybe I am attempting to help my friend see that there is nothing terrible about the other half. Sure her mother would like to believe that she’s part of some elitist ‘us’ while the rest are an offensive ‘they’ but truthfully there is no difference. As she lives and breathes her daughter is matriculating with ‘them’ and she’s living to tell the tale.

Two strangers living side by side, I point my thumb to “her” and “me” and the not so distant “they”. When reality points my other four digits inside, attention goes back to this girl, and I waiver. There’s much to be said about hiding behind my Marc Jacobs sunglasses, seeing only what I want. Seeing skin deep for lack of a more appropriate cliché. Pointing in other directions, I look everywhere but inwards towards truth itself. Don’t look too close! You’ll see the way, the real way others see me. You’ll know how I’m ranked. In relationships levels and standards reveal too much by telling too little. How high our opinions of self really are, how low our opinions of other people may be become further evidence to the illusions and delusions we allow ourselves to entertain secretly. Silly standards of self-worth that we use to account for how we treat, react and value others. It is how we keep ‘us’ separate from the not so distant ‘they’. I am guilty of the same thoughts and feelings this woman I abhor projects and that cut is a little deeper than I imagined it would be at first. However, seeing that savage and raw hurt within myself as it has been inflicted and then realizing that I have done likewise to other people helps me come to terms with the understanding that in no way is this shallow behavior appropriate. At no time is it acceptable to judge others based on arbitrary standards like class, society, race, gender or sexual orientation. I have felt the sting of that cold judgment and know better than to allow myself to be a conduit for such ill will.

Hell Hath No Fury… January 13, 2009

Do not tempt me to hit you boy. There are limits to what I can and can not do. But ripping your leg off for the singular purpose of beating you with it is a reasonable possibility of what can happen if you mess with me. I’m not a woman to be trifled with. I don’t take kindly to being ignored and first and foremost, I will not be forgotten. I will not stand for this treatment. I am an independent woman, show some respect. You will do as I want and succumb to my desires. Do not pretend to have control of the situation because you don’t. I am not going to fail. I do not fail. I will win this game do not tempt me to hurt you in the process.

I am a different breed of woman. I was not meant to date boys like you. I’m not a politically correct type of girl and I’m grateful for that. I’m not the stay sober and take care of things woman, I’m the center of attention partier. Drink in hand; I dance the night away with any number of guys. You sir, are a dime a dozen people pleaser. I, however, am a choice commodity, a rare breed of femme fatal. It’s not a choice I make with some alternate goal in mind. It’s reality, it’s who I am. No one can change that; please don’t flatter yourself to think that you might. I’m no Jackie-O, I’m a Marilyn. I wasn’t meant to be a wall flower. I was meant to be admired. I was created to part the crowd not to observe from the sidelines. I’m just not that type, or more aptly not your type of non-specific and bland lacking personality, panache, class and vibrancy. I’m out of your league and you’re out of time to impress me so thanks for playing better luck next time. But should you try again I recommend you stay towards the shallow end because you most certainly can not keep up with the sharks.

A Life Unexplored January 13, 2009

The obviousness of life is oftentimes so silly. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. My own foolishness typically slaps my face upon realization. I come to the most common of discoveries, learning what I must have already known. My real friends are the ones I want my family to meet. Those that I feel will give the best representation and picture of myself. These few are not the ones I talk about, nor are they the ones that I spend the majority of my time with. But when I need them, they arrive silently to console and uplift me above the low caliber people I surround myself with.

How silly it is that I would rather be with these people who bring nothing to the table. And yet I have friends with whom I honestly feel I grow each time I speak to them. Unfortunately because of physical appearances and petty popularity standards, I walk away from them. I was embarrassed today by my “friends” because I saw through critical eyes the stupidity of their conversations. How worthless what they said would become because that is what they say, everyday. When I looked to Steve with apologetic eyes, I couldn’t see how understanding his reply would be, “You were there, they were just talking about things that were important to them.” And he makes me think, ‘are the things I think are important the same things my friends value?’ The answer, is ‘no’. In surrounding myself with these people, aren’t I saying ‘yes’? My actions speak for themselves. Now I am confronted with the question, can I not change this about myself? Is it now better that I have acknowledged that which I wish to alter and can look unabashed to my future and create a world I like looking at in my introspection.

Conclusions are myths created to pacify the restlessness of the conscious mind. I can hear myself being cocky rather than confident, self-absorbed and self-obsessed rather than self-empowering. There are a number of shallow emotions and actions I have been indulging in lately. The decision to change myself and my behavior is a mine alone to make. I have nothing to prove to everyone else, I have everything to prove to myself. In this focused review of my personal situation I have potentially altered my life’s course.

Self Sacrifice January 13, 2009

More than before I’m realizing the necessity for me to reach out to others, rather than expecting them to always reach out to me. There is a very important trade off of favors but as Daniel O’Hagan used to be quite fond of saying, “You don’t get letters if you don’t send letters.” Which is a beautiful message in and of itself. You can’t receive if you don’t give. And as St. Francis of Assisi said, “Grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand.” Therein lies a message and a promise. Seek out ways in which to serve and your reward will be greater but less important. For that which we most need is not more for ourselves but to give more of ourselves to others.

In the past year I think I spent a large amount of my time ignoring this truism because I do feel better knowing I have done something for someone else. Having these gestures returned however is also important. Because I have found that having someone in your life with which you are constantly is one way to assure the demise or failure of your relationship. Having any relationship of this nature also to ruins your desire to bestow kindnesses upon others. Generosity of self is a thankless job, however when giving unto others, specifically those in dire need it is important to remember that this is a gift that will most likely not be returned. However, when doing kind acts and making selfless gestures to one’s friends and acquaintances it is paramount to realize that when one gives of their time, energy, creativity and personal effort it is not without the understanding that you are to respond in kind. Perhaps the amount need not be returned to the dollar but the realization that, “to whom much is given much is expected” should be fairly recognized and applied. The aim is not for this other person to be a martyr but for them to be a supportive and loving friend. One of the truest characteristics of a good friendship is when there is give and take from both partners not one consistently giving while another only takes.

Walk Away January 13, 2009

How prepared does love leave you to walk away? Even love for the sake of loving is not pure in its demands. Love has no rationality and knows no bounds. It exceeds far more quickly the bounds of the heart than hatred but its boundlessness is also the curse that draws the innocents, moth-like to its flame to be beckoned, taunted, and inevitably engulfed in its impassioned dance of chemicals and fumes.

When you try to cling to who you were you come to realize you don’t know her anymore. Try as we may, we fall into the haze, the intoxicating glow of romance. We are hypnotized by the fairytale of what could be, someday and when we save up. There are so many of us seeking love, embracing love and hoping to retain love. Regardless of age, no matter how mature and reasonable we become we are still guilty of falling prey to the temptation to love and be loved in return. We think that, to live as we do, to be as we are, you have to be in love, because like so many things in this world, it doesn’t make sense.

Drunk on intentional naïveté, feigned innocence and a dream of being in a proverbial mutually fulfilling relationship we drop our guard. We forget the goals that once made up our entire existence. We forge ahead creating time where there was none before. Giving up appointments, being late for work and skipping plans with those other than our beloved. We drown ourselves in the high love creates. We strive to take in every sweet memory and every lingering touch as though it will never exist again. In the honeymoon of our affections we dread the loss of this great love more deeply than many of the lasting relationships we already possess. Like infants we become inconsolable until the figure that meets these needs returns to our sight. Fearing abandonment, betrayal or worse, returning to our lives as they were before the momentous encounter that brought this other into our lives we cling to every call. We savor every text and pour over the comments shared with friends. Advertising our joy becomes our highest calling and the focus of all energies not drained in love making. As we look to others to quantify our emotions we share to prove that what we think is happening really is there. We are terrified of sharing too much and also too little because what if we forget, what if tomorrow this bliss is gone suddenly, much as it came into our lives.

It is this dread that is most disconcerting. Because when love is used to manipulate, how quickly we can release ourselves from the tentacles that we have intertwined and mingled into the rest of our lives. So many victims of abuse seek refuge with the very person who harms them most. Remembering, realistically or imagining that a time existed when the relationship was better, their partner kinder and their lives sweeter. They cling to a dangerous relationship in hopes of evoking some desire in the other person to come back to that utopian place. Returning to a time when things were supposedly better. Though the desire to live and love completely exists it is dangerous to fall too swiftly, too deeply or too sickly in love. Because when love becomes obsession or controlling it ceases to be love and becomes some other animal that is tortured, cruel and hungry. Love exists when you do not need the other person but rather you want them in your life. Teaching our children the difference between these two emotions is paramount. Our relationships must be allowed to blossom and come to wholesome fruition. We need never be the victims of abuse, we need to learn when enough is enough and when to walk away.

Modern luxuries January 12, 2009

I live a blissfully naive life. I am truly stunned when watching the news, reading the paper. Simply learning about what other individuals have to live with every day has become horrifying. I can be apathetic or sympathetic towards underprivileged groups and individuals. Yet, I am sincerely amazed and shocked when I see what life is like on the other side. I realize that this is selfish arrogance on my part. The condescending pity of someone who thinks they are above, beyond or removed from the sacrifices, tribulations and absolute misery that exists in life is sincerely disappointing.

The luxury of naiveté to the lack of congruence created by wealth and privilege is a sign of the absolute lunacy that based on social status or birthright some people can separate themselves from the masses. Distinguishing characteristics like shock, abhorrence and pity mark those of us who have led blessed and advantaged lives. These traits are not the only limitations society is forced to tolerate with the presence of those wealthy or blind enough to ignore the suffering and pain that exists in our communities, on our residential streets and in our homes. It has become one more challenge as those with attempt to tell those without what they need to do to improve their lives.

Perhaps the same privilege that enables us to see past the current misery and see a larger picture in the future of happiness, joy and optimism is the very same blinder that keeps us from enjoying the most basic of life’s pleasures. Quiet moments are shattered with the use of flat screen televisions and wii electronic devices. Social interaction is cut to a bare minimum as i-pods and i-phones block out any unplanned or approved conversation. Self knowledge is no longer a sought after goal, instead facebook stalking has turned mainstream society into a vibrant cesspool of he said she said high school-ish banter. When we embrace the fact that conversations via laptop are not always the most intimate and a text message that states “ily” does not translate the same message as a breathy “I love you” whispered softly into your ear. Apathetic emotion is worthless when it is not accompanied by civil, social and personal action.

Though it is convenient and flattering to assume that one is above others because of their economic and social connections, it is far better to presume that indeed we are all the same. And though the tribulations of life may not present themselves on everyone’s sleeves, this does not imply that similar situations do not exist in pleasant houses behind closed doors. Simply because one can afford to shut the world out does not imply that the same problems, passions and devastation do not subsist for this group. It does show how when we think that our problems are private we tend to judge others for their sins more harshly. Selecting a false high horse on which to condescendingly judge others because we feel the issues we have are hidden and therefore we can deny their existence.

The Glories of Love January 12, 2009

It is as if I have finally found a refreshing drink after years of searching waterless beaches. I have sought a dream in my nights and in my waking. Searching for a man that could be all I was and more than that, all that I would be someday. Things such as power and greatness are illusive and artificial. Love is a solid substance, palpable and delicious. A musky emotion you can absorb or be buried by first. It is dangerous because of its unknown depths and strength over our wills.

When we do not have love or live with loving ferocity we strive for goals that seem as satisfying but are weaker and less fulfilling. The desire for recognition and power is empty. It is a temporary escape from our true acknowledgement of self. We want others to only know our victories and our strengths. In this way we release our selfish desire to see only the good in ourselves. As we strive to project that image into the minds of others, we loose sight of who we really are. We lie to ourselves and each other, loosing grasp of our personal realities.

We walk out of Eden for a shot a lies and the temporary glories we imagine will make us gods. As we walk towards the fake light and the false intimacy, we forget the garden. The gate locks behind us but we do not hear the click as we seek to define ourselves by our presumed narcissistic glory. The sound of applause overwhelms and blasts louder than the quiet beckoning of our true personal glory. Acclaim like the fruit of the tree of wisdom is not ours for the taking and yet our hands are not stayed despite this warning. And yet somehow with unpredictable accuracy love removes this delusion.

The hidden treasure of love returned, seeking our true selves reflected in the eyes of another person seems like a utopian fantasy. Until we see it for the first time and it is as if the gates have reopened. Our hope is renewed and for those terrifying moments we are glorified yet by our own splendor because that which is most horrible, hidden from all others is still in us and yet this other person loves us anyway. They see what is god-like in us and for some reason that new perspective refreshes and fulfills our dreams of greatness. We see power and prestige knowingly as shallow mirages. We begin to present ourselves honestly without suggesting that there is anything to hide. We learn to see ourselves as our lover sees us; flawed, imperfect and glorious.