Let me put you in the game… September 28, 2008

Life is a lot like a game you skipped all the practices before. You don’t know the plays, barely understand the rules and can’t help but feel lost on the bench or on the field. The true problem is that nobody knows more than anyone else. We all operate under the illusion that there is someone out there with more wisdom, direction and credibility. What if the only realization at the end is that we still know just as little as we did when we began the journey?

 

Things like life, love, expectation and promise are all part of the ride; but honestly they only teach us how little we really do know, let alone understand. When crossing over from childhood to our teen years, we feel so helpless and yet are convinced we know so much. We know everything. The pace at which that veil is lifted, depends on the experiences life hands us. Some reach old age still believing they know it all. Then there are some, like yours truly, who left 19 only to wish they never had. Life is so much easier when you know everything. You have all the questions and all the answers. Nothing will convince you otherwise. It is this conviction that creates and maintains youthful arrogance. That certainty is enviable to those of us who are now past the delights, intrigue and blissful ignorance of our youth.

 

So if in our younger years we know everything and in our older years know nothing. What is it that brings about our defeat? Socrates would say our wisdom. We know the right questions but no longer seek the quickest answer. In other words, we become aware of our own limitations. In the game of life, on the bench or on the field, it is understanding that the game is with yourself that most enhances your chances for success.

 

Asking and understanding are the only rewards offered of life, or attained for that matter.

International Social Justice September 27, 2008

When I honestly think about the presence of torture and preemptive military strikes in the world, I see the face of this child in my mind’s eye and wonder if a utopian world is possible. Then when I think of military strategy and economic progress, I see a child that looks like a little me. I wonder if biological warfare and ethnic cleansing really matter because they’re happening in some one else’s country far away from every harming this little girl. But then my mind’s eye shifts and I see both little girls standing side by side and realize that they look a lot alike. I think in a world where one wears designer jeans and the other works 19 hours a day to make clothing for others, who is more wealthy? And why should one go to sleep to dream of hunger and injustice while the other sees visions of security that enable her the luxury and arrogance to think she has the right to place value on another person’s life?

Something wayward this way comes September 23, 2008

New beginnings are like new shoes. Some you wear once and leave in the closet, some you break in and wear season after season. I’d like this beginning to be like the perfect brown leather Steve Madden boots I should have just re-soled and never thrown out. I will regret that choice forever. But while the shoes are gone; the memory of nights out, dates, and days where “the walk” gave me the confidence to do whatever I wanted will be cherished forever. I have moved to a new place, I am starting at a new school, I have ended things with Jack for what feels like the final time and I am finding my emotional, spiritual self has changed, as has my physical self. Self discovery has been a powerful journey as has the fight for self acceptance.

 

I made myself a jewelry box more out of cheapness than the desire to be creative, however the message is the same. Inside the lid is the quote, “Self-respect is a question of recognizing anything worth having has a price” by Joan Dideon. Now it is somewhat tongue in cheek to put those words inside a jewelry box. It is also a statement that I am coming to appreciate and growing to understand. The Dali Lama once said that “great love and great accomplishment involve great risk” and I believe he was right. I know he’s sighing in relief because it was my approval he was waiting on to clinch his role as a wise and auspicious world leader. Perhaps now that he’s at ease I can invite Mr. Lama to dinner and we can discuss self-appreciation in depth. I’ll text him later, but the point I’m trying to make here is that valuing what we have and what we have earned by what we have had to give up in order to attain it is a valuable lesson. It’s somewhat basic to judge our personal decisions on their costs as we do shoes, pants and socks but it really makes sense. If I judge what I have gained in life by the sacrifices that I and others have made, then I can truly appreciate the value. It isn’t simply the rule of more is more, less may be more, and none may be more than that. It’s the understanding that sacrifice makes us stronger. The difficult lessons are the ones we remember the most. And the events in life where we are most terrified are often the very same challenges that develop character and make us who we are tomorrow.

 

My mother once said to me that in trying to define my goals and myself that I was, “confusing what I truly want with what I think I should have.” There really is a difference in what makes us happy and what we imagine might make us happier. The grass being greener and whatnot makes sense, but unless we earn what we gain, it does not maintain its value. A free ride or free money, a free lunch as the economists would say, does not exist. What we have in life is based on what we put into it. Surely there are events and situations we regret or wish had never happened, but truth be told there’s a reason. There’s always a reason, even if it’s one too many Tequila Sunrises, it makes us stronger. I am making mistakes all over town lately, fortunately for the continuation of my employment and my education those shambled nights are relegated to my personal life.

 

The glory of those defining, ridiculous and absolutely out of line conversations is that you don’t know if you can get away with something until you try. Terribly juvenile I admit, but I wouldn’t know that I could do so much if I didn’t press the envelope (to use another horrible cliché). By taking things that step too far you’ll find that the sidewalk doesn’t end, you can jump off the side of the building and you don’t plummet to your death. You just find that there is one more step that you had no idea was there. Sure you gave up being able to go back down the other side, but you took a step forward. Even if that step is in stilettos, black pumas or one truly excellent pair of brown leather boots, you’re moving forward. Maybe with a little more confidence, you make your next move. It’s ok to give up what you thought you wanted, it was imaginary. What’s important is that you have what you truly want and you know who you truly are to yourself. Being blind to the judgments of the rest of the world is difficult. Knowing that you’ve made the right choice to start again somewhere new is invaluable.

Women by Label September 20, 2008

Women of the world raise your right hand. We use this hand to pledge allegiance, to shake hands, to high five, and now to assert our independence (thank you DeBeers). We are terrified to attach ourselves to political labels and yet we are surrounded and consumed by mass media and marketing labels. Women today carry and wear; Coach, Louis Vuitton, Vera Bradley, Baby Phat, Chanel. These labels define; class, age, social standing, and wealth. How many, what color, do they match the outfit and season are all distinguishing characteristics to allow strangers to evaluate each other. How frequently do we procure new clothes, designers, and labels that not only litter our closets but define who and what we are to the rest of the world? These flat representations of self are no longer the accessory; they have become the main attraction.

 

There is less and less introspection regarding personal beliefs and values. Americans are taking the easy route. Rather than question and define themselves, women are saved the trouble by their peers, billboards, television, and internet advertising. Do you want to be professional? The answer is to dress like this character from your favorite film. Would you like to be considered attractive to the opposite sex? Watch this video and you’ll see how it’s done. Personal relationships shallow as individuals seek out someone to fit a mold, perform the perfunctory relationship perks, and disappear when they are no longer needed. True appreciation of a person, brand, or idea is destroyed.

 

It has become all too easy to look at only the face value (it’s a pun) and disregard the substance. The question, “Do I really want that purse, is it well made?” is not asked because women do not buy the purse based on its quality. They buy the purse to fit in, to look like their friends, or to stand out as someone who can afford such an item. Labels are more important than the item they represent. The same is transferred into personal relationships. Women rarely ask, “Do I really care for this person, are we compatible?” They are taking the time to establish; how do other women react when we walk by, does he look good on paper, are his qualifications impressive to parents, employers, and peers. Mainly they are considering, if this were a competition (which many attempt to make relationships seem as if they are) would he be a trophy or a conciliation prize. All of these standards are created to advertise a brand but discourages the woman from distinguishing her own identifying brand. She is a person who carries this bag and dates this sort of guy. The value of her partner is entirely based on appearances. Last season was blonde and muscular, this fall sandy brown hair and tortoiseshell frames. The relationship is based on limited interaction. This is done intentionally to avoid getting to really know the partner.

 

Expressions like “friends with benefits” stem from this type of relationship. The union is based on the idea that two people can share physical intimacy without becoming emotionally intimate. A bond that exists until one partner locates a more suitable companion worthy to advertise publicly. As relationships of this variety become the norm, the expectations of partners in a relationship decline sharply. The patterns traditional relationships follow towards greater intimacy are gone. Immediate gratification has a significantly higher value than long term investment. The commitment implied in relationships and dating is taken lightly as more and more individuals enter shallow relationships to maintain a hassle free lifestyle.

 

In order to transition to the newest model once it comes out, women are not allowing themselves to experience fulfilling relationships with value. A bond of this quality demands a level of give and take that they are not prepared to accept. They distance themselves from partners in order to sustain an image of independence. Truthfully, it’s simple pride. They ultimately refuse to admit a desire to know a partner more intimately as this may be interpreted as a sign of weakness. They play emotional games that inevitably cause more harm to themselves than those they imagine they are manipulating. Decision making driven by the mass media and popular culture, creates an environment wherein women are not satisfying their personal needs, many are unaware of what their individual needs are as no one can tell them. Women consistently pursue a stereotype of who they should or specifically should not be with in relationships. Demanding that others recognize and appreciate their partner as they would a new bag or pair of Manolos, as a show piece rather than as a person.

 

Increasing numbers of long distance long term relationships show that people are comfortable with the crutch. Being in a relationship that demands no real commitment, with a person they do not share time and daily life, individuals can claim that they are not emotionally immature. However, the very existence of such unions further exemplifies the refusal of modern women to honestly commit. How close can a couple be when either partner is incapable or unwilling to actually know the other? The long distance long term relationship is also a powerful show piece as peers recognize the length of time individuals claim to be ‘together’ and reward that by suggesting they are knowledgeable or well versed in relating to other human beings. Truthfully the relationship is most typically a compilation of images and imagined relational beliefs in their compatibility with someone they don’t really know. Much like the attraction to purses that women don’t know the quality or background of the brand or fashion house.

 

Knowing the body of an artist’s work enables dealers to appreciate and understand the meaning behind the creation. When women select bags and accessories based on trends, it shows how little they are willing to look deeper and also how shallow their appreciation for the designer’s work has truly become. Women judge one another using standards based in ignorance of the true creative talent required to construct a fashionable item or to understand the depth and personal quirks of their partner. Women have initiated a standard that to wear the same uniform and date the same partner is to be included. Rather than customizing their look or their preference in partners, women have become too lazy to do the work and are henceforth doomed to spend their lives looking like idiots dating the bland guys that only checked that their jacket said North Face and not if they held the same values that made them stand out.

 

This means that the majority of the population will go unappreciated. While the rest of the actually interesting people are milling about wondering why they can’t seem to find a partner of substance that accepts and challenges them. It’s a form of art appreciation to study the fashions we wear, bags we carry, and people with whom we surround ourselves. Tying ourselves to brands we do not understand and therefore cannot fully appreciate, only wastes valuable time and energy as it only further emphasizes our lack of creativity. It does leave the good stuff for those of us who are paying attention…which is a pretty nice benefit, if I do say so myself.

How to have it all… September 20, 2008

A strange mixture exists between pity, the fear of being alone, and forgiveness. There seems to be some sick continuity between these values that leads me to not only choose men I know will not meet my needs and furthermore enables me to permit them to walk all over me. I get mad, I yell, I even tell them when I’m angry and I don’t want to see them anymore…yet there comes a call or a text a few weeks later and I’m fine again. I’ve forgiven the indiscretion because it’s easy. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. When in all actuality it’s me that gets hurt. I’m fine with accepting my own pain and disappointment, I don’t want to contribute to anyone else feeling this way. I want to be in love. I want to be married. It sounds silly and stupid when I type it out, but I do. Who doesn’t?

 

What is different is that now I’m learning I don’t want to be in love with just anyone. There is this whole world out there and I am in it. I am learning, loving, and laughing, it is the greatest feeling in the world. Perhaps the euphoric bubble will pop sooner rather than later but truthfully, what does it matter? For the first time in life I am doing what I want, when I want, how I want. I think I have hit the stride I’ve been looking for all my life. I’m testing it out, taking it around the block and seeing if it fits. I must admit, it’s suiting me just fine. Part of hitting this threshold is the realization that I have giant dreams that are not limiting and cannot be contained any more. I have been fortunate enough to meet and know individuals that share the same joie-de-vivre. People impress encourage me simply through their presence.

 

This is also what contributes to my desire to transition away from being a doormat in my personal life. I am awkwardly wavering between aggressive, rude, submissive, and defensive. I am unsure of where to fall in the spectrum. It’s as if in each new encounter I punctuate the conversation with subversive comments just to see what I can get away with, like a child. I do it with the intent of eliciting an honest reaction. Negative or positive, the result is irrelevant. It is as if I am testing the water, seeing how far I can go before the shark will bite me. I forgive and forget easily now because I am playing. Toying with emotions, new situations and other people to find where they stand and I’m having a difficult time solidifying where I stand. It is as if I am in the midst of a social experiment to determine who I would like to mimic or possibly foil. I am in an excellent place in life where I feel confident in myself but I’m also aware of my limitations. I don’t know why I consider the feelings of other people before my own. It’s something I’d like to change so I’m learning how to do that, one awkward evening at a time. I’m also finding that I can be whomever I want, I can do whatever I want, and there is nothing holding me back from finding exactly what I’m looking for in myself and in others.

Gemba Kaizen September 20, 2008

Sin and evil exist in the world, free will grants us the ability to react and act based on our experiences. The fortune to have good things happen to us is both a help and a hindrance. Though there may not be the calluses on my hands from hard labor, the premature aging that comes of learning too much too young, or the unfortunate lackluster gaze of someone who knows that life has nothing to offer them. I am tasked with being given many things, things for which I must spend the rest of my life paying back.

 

The feeling of owing a debt is unpleasant. The debt is not material. It is entirely shaped by a Catholic conscience and gentle reminders from my Grandparents but it feels more real than many of my actual financial debts. It isn’t going to go away with a particular number of checks or within an established timeframe. It is the belief that there are capabilities that I have because of my background, my experiences, my intelligence and my knowledge that no one else will bring to the world. It sounds entirely conceited and self-impressed but when only 1% of the world’s population attends college and as the cost of higher education escalates yearly, the access that I have had in my privileged life will not be available to all people. It is the responsibility of those that have to reach out to those that do not in order to teach, share information and potentially create new pathways for others to succeed.

 

This is not a new theory. It is actually a historical practice. The sharing of religion, literacy and news has its roots not only in missionary works but in the understanding that the haves must help the have nots. Making books, transportation and education available through public assistance is based in civic duty and the sociological agreement that all people are deserving of the same access to rights, goods and privileges. However, as has been the standard throughout history there are now and will always be those individuals that have more. It is the responsibility of those that have to not only work to satisfy their own needs but to help others do the same. It is not patronizing or based in conceit but rather an appreciation for the gifts we have been given combined with the understanding that it becomes your duty by default if not by choice to give back. The goal is to create new avenues or strengthen bonds to enable underprivileged groups to achieve.

 

The inverse of this relationship is that those that do not have access or privilege must be willing to learn. The investment of time and energy in programs and people is significant. Working with those that are not interested or open to new experience or constructive criticism will only frustrate both actors. Therefore one of the first and foremost objectives of positive action for the benefit of society is determining what causes one is passionate about and what groups or individuals are going to contribute to the success of such a project. The coupling of interested parties and positive intent is not perfect but it often provides for the best possible outcome. My personal challenge is that I am passionate about so many topics it is difficult to select only one to support and if I decide to do too many, I run the risk of spreading myself too thin and not doing well with any. Perhaps this is my hurdle, but it may also be my strength as I pursue my own goals by working smarter rather than harder I may be able to make a larger impact than I realized before.

Insane in the membrane September 20, 2008

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Personally, I do this about once a month when I decide I’m going to go out and see where the night takes me. It turns out, I’m fairly good at finding trouble, but I’m repeating an unhealthy pattern. Like a rollercoaster or lather, rinse, repeat I’m right back where I started at the end of the night. I keep returning to the same addiction and the same cycle. Girl meets boys, picks the one to shambles her life with, and spends the rest of the evening accomplishing two goals with alternate ends. Flirting, this leads to hooking up. The second part varies but consists mainly of creating obstacles to prohibit the fostering of any future bond.

 

I sleep with the men I don’t like because it’s easier to see them go. I have never slept with a man to show him my affection. I have only used sex as a diversion. I will not orgasm because I don’t know what I’d say. It could be embarrassing. I refuse to let myself go because I’m afraid of what I might find in the recesses of my mind. What my soul will reveal. I would rather hide from the world than let anyone truly know me. I am only comfortable sleeping with men when I know there is no danger of my ever falling in love with them. Sometimes I convince myself that I am falling for one, but it typically doesn’t last. The men I sleep with are not the men I let get to know me inside. I realize this is a perfect contradiction in terms and yet it’s possible for a person to know another physically and not mentally. Interestingly enough even if I genuinely enjoy the company of that other person I will intentionally bring up topics and create barriers to ensure they do not pursue me.

 

Around my male friends I let my walls down. I stop cracking jokes and making sarcastic comments. Yet I’m truly terrified to let them near me physically because that next level is already further than I’ve ever gone with anyone else. The intimacy of sharing who I really am with another person is quite possibly the scariest thing in the world for me. I can protest for peace, write about the deepest valleys of my soul and I can’t have a serious relationship with a man. It’s as if in my mind there is some invisible barrier. Either a man is someone you trust emotionally or desire physically and never the twain shall meet. The problem with the emotional intimacy is that I’m not really myself there either. I’m so concerned with being “good” or “the right kind of girl” that I edit my stories and only reveal the shortcomings I know they will accept. This keeps a “safe” distance between whom I am to them and who I really am. I forget that if I am going to date and potentially marry a person and he only sees me as this image, then we have far bigger problems. I’m not going to be perfect and that person has to want me, with my flaws. Victor Hugo put it best when he wrote, “The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” My partner will need to see past all the shiny distractions that I throw out to avoid making myself vulnerable. That is if I ever get that far in a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, the rest of the world does not wait for us to be ready for things to happen. Almost all of my immediate family was married in the last year. I didn’t see it coming. And apparently, for me it’s a big deal. I’m devastated that everyone else is that happy. Not that I would ever allow that to jade my perspective of their relationships or diminish my joy that they have found someone with whom they’d like to share their lives. But I am having a really tough time seeing everyone else so satisfied when I can’t find a single person to come with me to family events. And that’s really what it is, I want someone to pass presents to at Christmas time, take vacations with, and make the bed together while talking. It isn’t that I’m jealous. It’s that I want the same thing. I want to have someone to call when I’m upset, someone who cares about my day, someone to send funny jokes. I’m really tired of being alone and I’m tired of being afraid to be together. I need to work out a way to be more of myself in the world and stop allowing my subconscious to justify this void. I need to comprehensively live, feel, breath, and exist in this world if I am ever to know myself or all life has to offer. It’s interesting to me that even though I am consciously aware of what I need to do to change I have yet to take that leap, it is insanity. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. So in closing, “Hi my name is Colette, I am afraid of intimacy”.

Love is a Volatile Phrase September 12, 2008

Love is a volatile phrase when used incorrectly. “I love him but I hate our relationship.” “His voice is the reason I get up in the morning.” “Spending so much energy on making myself inaccessible is hard.” Numerous women and men I know use expressions similar to the ones above when discussing their relationships. I can not say I haven’t been there, in that all encompassing utopia of relational bliss when you imagine flaws as strengths and truly believe you have found the proverbial “one”. Do I believe in love? Absolutely. Do I believe this is it? Hell no. When you express your feelings as contradictions of what is wrong or unsuitable in the other person, what is being described is obsession. Perhaps fear of being alone, the intensity of your lust or attraction to the other person, or simply your desire to be in a relationship lead us to express “love” when the emotion we are experiencing is more aptly recognized as obsession.

 

Obsessing and becoming consumed with another person is a dangerous position in which to place ourselves. It is not love but it takes on the properties we want to believe are there. Psychology teaches us that the brain recognizes patterns. The conscious and subconscious mind have the ability to recognize those patterns, however they will refuse to see clear patterns where they don’t want to and they will create patterns where there are none in order to preserve your concept of reality. This in turn is demonstrated by a conversation I recently had with a friend, “I love him when he’s cute and just missing me, I love him when he’s sick and calls all the time because I’m what makes him better. To be wanted and needed not because I’m a nurse or my common sense advice really makes a difference in his health but rather because I’m me and just who I am is enough to make him feel better.” Many would say that doesn’t sound particularly bad. She goes on to say, “I will hold him in my arms and just let our hearts beat together for a while. So I can play with his hair as we watch tv and I can purr sweet nothings in his ears so he’ll want to get better faster. Making him tea and toast and rubbing his back when he coughs in the night”. Some might argue it must be wonderful to have such a Florence Nightingale devoted to you in times of need. But what starts as enjoying the feeling of being needed quickly spirals into a desire for dependence.

 

I will concede that being needed is a nice feeling. It is also the first step towards dependence. Where instead of two people spending time together because they mutually enjoy the others company, one person takes on the role of caretaker. When this happens the relationship dynamic transforms from two equals, to one person being in charge or responsible for the other (not to get too Freudian with the parent-child relationship reference). The other individual can respond in one of two ways. They can accept this caretaker role in their partner and take advantage of the situation, constantly demanding more and more attention. Or, they can attempt to return the favor. Unfortunately, if one is obsessed rather than in love they do not want this favor returned. It feels good to do something kind for another person, which is why my friend wants to take care of her sick boyfriend. Not letting him take care of her in return is a huge mistake. It is denying him the opportunity to give back and feel the same joy that she does in the initial giving. When this happens the person can enjoy being treated well and not having to return the favor for a while but eventually both are left unsatisfied. My friend will wonder why he never does nice things, not realizing that she is the culprit for that situation. Her partner will not feel fulfilled in the relationship because all give and take has dissolved. As their relational patterns become routine, he will loose all sense of how to take care of her or meet her needs. If never given the opportunity to practice, how can he hope to learn?

 

There is a line between what is love and what is obsession. By taking the time to step back and observe our lives and our relationships in the big picture, we give ourselves the opportunity not only to fall in love but to be more accepting of loving relationships. Creating traps for ourselves in unions that are not suited to either our ourselves or our partners is a waste of time. Recognizing that obsession will never bring fulfilling mutual satisfaction it is best to end such masochistic bonds in order to pursue the true love that I do believe is waiting for all of us.

 

This is the Day September 12, 2008

I am exhausted. I am in the bleak zone between sleep and delirium. The trippy blackness that occurs after all nighters, college finals, and marathons is my reality. What is so difficult and addicting about this place is that I’m in the zone…at least I feel like I am…note to self, budding psychosis setting in 12:23AM.

 

Things are hard in life, which is a truism. But things are also so phenomenally great. In this mental place I am suddenly appreciating the little things that make living so grand. I really like hot showers. I like sleeping snuggled under my duvet with the room cold. It’s especially wonderful when the blankets don’t fall off in the middle of the night so you wake up shivering. That happened last night, tonight I’m hoping it does not.

 

My dog really loves me. In that sweet, adoring couldn’t care less if I smelled, had no teeth, or was hated by everyone else. She cares that I have a job, that’s the kibble money but other than that, I could curl up on the couch watch infomercials all day and she’d love me just the same.

 

I am optimistic. I love the Office, I love that Jim asked Pam to dinner. I’m so effing excited about it; I’ve been up since watching the DVR some two hours ago. I’m giddy like I have a date with Jim. I like that I can truly be completely happy for another (albeit fictional character in this case) person. I like that about me. Last night I tried reading my economics homework on my back porch with a very large glass of white wine and my Uggs. It was divine. I watched the sun set, relaxed on our truly trashy couch and enjoyed the almost fall evening. A note on the couch: oh yes, it sits on our balcony or the verandah as I call it…it really is gorgeous. We just like to take the property values down a notch, you know with mortgages going so well lately it’s the least we can do for the neighbors. They love us.

 

I have been insanely busy lately and it’s getting worse. Truthfully, I love that too. It’s great to have places to be and things to do but most importantly I feel as though I accomplish so much more. Sure my days are long, hence the bleary eyed mess that I become circa 10 each night. But it’s refreshing and rejuvenating to wake up at six and know that I have things to do, that I will accomplish this set of goals by a certain date and time. It’s a beautiful, blissful serenity of self that I am enjoying in this day and in this moment. I feel terrific. I’m going to bed, I am clearly awake on adrenaline alone.

Gift Wrapping September 12, 2008

In a relationship, “I love you” can be crippling. It becomes justification for irrational and borderline psychotic behavior. It can become a reason to stay together, even when all trust and healthy affection has deteriorated. It is a constant band-aid to the heart when all else fails. And like any healing salve, it can become an addiction, the emotional “fix” that makes all other hardships diminutive by comparison. The rest of our lives seem small when we can claim that another person loves us and even if the rest of our lives fall apart and we are left with only the residue of an emotion like love we feel we have triumphed and our suffering is vindicated.

 

All the colored paper comes off. And if the end we are only left with each other, as we are and no more than that. The ribbons and bows of disguise fall away, because we really aren’t the pretty pictures made up during  our early dating history. We create the pretty pictures to deceive one another. Though parts of us really are beautiful, we hide the things in ourselves that we believe the other person will not find as attractive. The things we decide are ugly are those pieces and parts that we are ashamed of in ourselves. Truthfully, there are many parts that are ugly. Ugly parts hidden beneath layers of gift wrapping, hidden so deep we can pretend they’re not there. For every pretty place there is an ugly place to match but these differences are what make us individuals. The paper is simple packaging we’ve created or accumulated over the years. The designer box is only the beginning. Because like Russian dolls, you can simple keep opening. As close as we come to the last layer there will be more and more wrappings even we forgot were there, taped over the not so pretty parts of our selves.

 

I think the challenge is to not just let the other person tear through the layers but to accept and remove them one by one ourselves. After all, it is not the other person we must live with in the end, but ourselves. Certainly it is good to put one’s best foot forward so to speak, but I’m taking ballroom dancing right now, and I’ll tell you, there is no best foot. Even when your teacher tells you, you can’t step on someone’s foot, you will. What’s great about that though, is then you get to laugh. It’s embarrassing and it’s difficult but it’s so worth it, just to learn something new about yourself and seek out the weaknesses so that you can appreciate and develop your love and appreciation for the strange and unique qualities you have hidden away from the world under silly wrappings. We do this so that when we do find love and we are in the midst of its passion and impulsivity, we can enjoy the moment and the emotion but we do not sacrifice or loose ourselves in the relationship. Love may not leave us prepared to be ourselves or to leave when things are no longer satisfying our needs, but self knowledge will never let you down. The more you learn about yourself, your dreams, wants and desires the better prepared you are to enter a relationship and fall in love but do not loose yourself in the moment.